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Guy Who Doesn’t Have $60 Right Now Googles “New Metroid Bad”


ARLINGTON, Va. — Local gamer Roderick Pierce, who currently does not have $60, was recently seen googling the phrase “New Metroid bad” on his phone, several friends of his have confirmed. 

“Oh yeah look here, it’s not very good,” said Pierce, who’d recently spent his paycheck on rent and utilities, looking upon his search results. “Looks like everybody’s saying it. Hard to imagine anyone would want to spend their hard earned money on a game getting this much bad press, to be honest. Makes me feel a whole lot better about not being able to afford it right now.” 

Friends of Pierce’s say that he’s clearly skewing the results, based on his search terms and ongoing financial situation.

“When he was still working last year he kept trying to convince us to all buy PS5s,” Joe Parrish, a friend of Pierce’s. “But now that he’s laid off, he keeps coming with every excuse he can not to play or watch stuff, except he won’t just admit it’s cuz he’s broke. It’s kind of sad. This time around he keeps insisting that Metroid: Dread is a ripoff at 60 bucks, even though tons of Metroid fans couldn’t throw that amount at them fast enough for a mainline game. You’re not smarter than me, Roderick, I see right through you.”

Though Pierce claims he simply wants to make sure he doesn’t get ripped off, others suspected he just didn’t have the money.  

“He doesn’t have five dollars, let alone 60,” said Carly Pierce, Roderick’s mother whom he lives with. “Maybe he should spend less time reading about video games all day and just play the ones he already has, then he wouldn’t have to do backflips trying to justify not buying some new game every single week. Say, is your little video game newspaper hiring any entry level people right now? Will you give my son a call?” 

As of press time, Pierce was asking his friends if any of them wanted to check out the Halloween stuff in Fortnite, just to see how lame it was.