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Guy Spends First Day at Job Running Around Studying Boss’s Patterns


CHICAGO — Local accountant Frank Tate’s first day at his new job was spent mostly running around the office and trying to figure out his boss’ behavior patterns, confused co-workers have confirmed. 

“New guy’s pretty weird, man,” said Carl Kelly, a fellow employee of Tate’s. “I was showing him around the building and after a while he asked if I minded if we ‘ended the tutorial,’ to which I replied ‘sure,’ because I didn’t know what the hell he meant. Once I said that, he went his own way and just started seeing how many doors he could get open. Then I saw him take some string cheese out of the garbage and put it in his pocket. We gotta quit hiring people off the internet, man.” 

After familiarizing himself with the layout of the offices and seeing which things he could and could not jump up to, Tate set his sights on who he assumed would be his greatest adversary: his immediate supervisor. 

“I don’t really handle the hiring and firing,” said Bruce Gibson, Tate’s immediate supervisor. “But it’s not looking great for this new guy. Maybe he didn’t think I noticed him following me around all day, but I did. He seemed so fascinated by the way I come out of my office every two or three hours to go to the bathroom and grab a coffee. I’ve heard from several people in the office that he was also asking what part of me was weakest against kicks. This has the makings of an absolute disaster, but they say I can’t fire a guy just for asking about kicking me. He’s on thin ice, though.” 

Tate, however, claims that he was just doing what any responsible worker would do. 

“Look, it’s obvious I’m not going to get promoted here on my first day,” he said. “That would just be an absurd thing to hope for at this point in my career. But if I use this day well, and see what kind of movements Mr. Gibson can make and how far his arms can reach, as well as get good with all of my moves, maybe by the end of the week I can take this whole place over!”

As of press time, Tate was at home trying to figure out the right clothes and weapons to wear to work tomorrow to fight his boss.