SAN JOSE, Calif. — A diehard gun-loving couple has reportedly grown very concerned over the overly cute video games their son Connor has been playing lately, sources have confirmed.
“He asked if he could buy a game called A Short Hike, and I thought that sounded manly enough,” said Roan Gilbert. “Hell, you could get some pretty good hunting done in a short hike, so I thought ‘Yeah, let er’ rip.’ I come in to see how high of a body count the boy has, and he’s flying around as a goddamn bird trying to help him get cell phone reception. I couldn’t believe it. This is what my child plays when I’m not supervising him? I feel sick to my stomach.”
The mother was horrified to learn of the wholesome levels of content her children were being exposed to.
“No son of mine is going to engage in a game that doesn’t celebrate your god given right to bear arms,” said Sheila Gilbert. “It’s important that he kills men in a photorealistic gulag so that he may better appreciate what his Grandfather went through in the war as well as learn to appreciate our nation’s bloody history. It’s bad enough I can’t send my kid to school with a gun, now he’s gonna come home and play this hippy dippy bullshit? Not on my watch. Get in the car Connor, we’re going to get the new Call of Duty.”
Connor Gilbert, 16, says he doesn’t necessarily hate violent video games, and that he just prefers to play games from a wide variety of genres.
“Yeah, shooters are fine, I like a lot of them actually,” said Connor, shortly after returning from the store with his mother. “But you wouldn’t know it from my parents who lose their mind every time they come into my room and see me playing a game that lets me pet a dog or arrange the possessions in my little house. They say that playing violent video games is the only way to brace me for the all out assault on my decency I face when I leave to go to college next year.”
As of press time, the Gilberts had found Connor playing a Harvest Moon game and were making him finish the whole franchise on the patio before he could come back inside.