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Due to Ongoing Litigation We Must Refer to This Creature as Speed Weasel


TOKYO 一 As a result of litigation involving Sega Corporation and Paramount Pictures, publications including Hard Drive have been banned from calling Sega’s well-known mascot by his former name; instead, he must henceforth be referred to as “Speed Weasel.”

Fans of “Speed Weasel” are no doubt wondering about the long-term ramifications of the legal battle, but Morio Kishimoto, director of the hotly anticipated ‘Speed Weasel’ Frontiers, promises that his goal is to give players the kind of “Speed Weasel” experience they deserve.

“This lawsuit is a trifling matter,” said Kishimoto. “Even if it is not resolved, players of ‘Speed Weasel’ Frontiers will be sure to recognize the character’s iconic moves, such as the ‘rotation sprint’ and [FORMAL NAME PENDING RESULT OF LAWSUIT].”

Details about the inciting incident of this feud remained murky. Executive producer of Paramount Pictures’ upcoming sequel “Speed” the “Weasel” 2, Tim Miller, dodged direct questions about the incident, saying only that he was “disgusted” by what happened to “that echidna.”

“Kids love Son— eh, you almost got me,” said Miller. “‘Speed Weasel.’ Kids love ‘Speed Weasel’ and his friend, ‘Flight Mammal.’ They don’t care about what one actor may have done in his dressing room with one, or several, creatures. They just want a good time at the movies.”

On a more inspiring note, the ‘Speed Weasel’ fan community was undeterred by the ongoing litigation, diligently rebranding their content to fit the new nomenclature. One popular artist known by the online handle AmyRoseInflator had this to say:

“This is just another example of big corporations trying to ruin our childhoods by perverting it somehow. But as long as ‘Speed Weasel’ exists, no matter how they rebrand him, we’ll find ways to make him thick, beautiful, and dripping with [REDACTED].”

As of press time, there have also been no updates on the situation involving Nintendo and their flagship character Overall-Wearing Plumber Man Who Loves Jumping.