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Gotham Opera Singer Glad Dicks Who Walked Out Got What Was Coming


GOTHAM CITY — The lead singer of Wayne Opera House’s production of Mefistofele has gone on record saying the assholes who left the show halfway through and were brutally murdered deserved what they got.

“Look, it’s not like I wanted them to die for leaving in the middle of the show-stopping aria I’d been fine tuning for months, but let’s just say I ain’t singing no ‘Ave Maria’ for no funeral either,” said Barney Reynolds, the theater’s lead tenor. “You walk into Crime Alley, you get crime’d. End of story. I mean, it’s called Crime Alley! ‘Least this time it wasn’t nobody innocent.” 

Reynolds’ co-stars echoed similarly cold sentiments over the supposedly tragic event. 

“The show’s a five-hour musical allegory about a devil who steals peoples’ souls. Who in the fuck brings an 8-year-old to that show? Buncha pricks,” said soprano Leeana Sawyer. “You ever go to a sexy murder flick and someone brings their baby? Same thing here, and I’ll betcha 90% of the goody two-shoes out there would gladly gun that bitch down if they could get away with it. And by the way, it’s called Crime Alley. Did Barney mention that too? Because we can’t stop talking about how stupid it is to take a shortcut through a place called Crime Alley. Crime Alley!”

At press time, it remained to be seen whether or not the sole survivor of the attack had learned his lesson, but at the very least, the traumatic event was expected to prevent him from interrupting any more productions.