MADISON, Wis. — A guilt-ridden gamer has reportedly made a habit of waiting for his Switch to go into sleep mode before sneaking into the living room to play his PlayStation 5, immediate family members have confirmed.
“People say the Switch would understand, but I don’t know,” said Arnold Harwood, who first spent the night with a PlayStation 5 while on a work trip with friends and ordered one of his own shortly thereafter. “I’m not sure the best way to tell it that even though I appreciate the four years we’ve spent together, I’m starting to wonder about how certain games would look in full HD, and what it’d be like to play them with full controls and my characters not always pulling to the fucking left. Whatever man, I’m a gamer. Gamers have needs.”
Family members report that the sneaking around and lying are taking its toll on Harwood and his relationships.
“Arnold is practically a ghost in this house lately,” said Cassie Harwood, Arnold’s wife. “He’ll play some Pokémon or Tetris 99 on his Switch before wishing it goodnight and kissing it, and then he changes clothes and disappears downstairs until the middle of the night. Then he sneaks into bed smelling of bong resin and sweat. I found a note in his pocket that said ‘Deathloop – 9/14.’ What does that mean? Is my husband planning on having me killed?”
Experts have said that feelings of guilt surrounding the perceived abandonment of a gaming system is a growing phenomenon.
“It’s not that players no longer love their Switches,” said electronics and relationship expert Lacey Montoya. “It’s just that there are some very impressive, very sexy systems coming out, that frankly the ol’ Nintendo back at home can’t keep up with. Gamers are very grateful for the domestic bliss they shared with their Switches, but they’re human, they crave some hot, sweaty, 4K resolution with improved ray tracing capabilities. That does not make them an animal, no matter what Nintendo would have you think.”
As of press time, Harwood reportedly had no idea that his wife has been letting the neighbor come play the Switch while he’s at work.