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Gamer Still Thinks About NPC He Was Rude to 10 Years Ago


AURORA, Colo. — Local gamer Grayson Cash is reportedly still upset about an NPC he was rude to while playing Mass Effect 2 in 2011, according to those familiar with the situation.

“Every time I close my eyes, I see that weird, disappointed frog-like krogan face. I’m so sorry, Grunt. I wish I could turn back time, but nothing makes this feel right,” Cash said, holding his face in his hands. “Game developers don’t realize the pain they bring to gamers when they give players a rude dialogue option while talking to nice NPCs. I’m a dark and brooding guy; I’m always gonna feel compelled to pick the edgy or sassy comments, regardless of how much it’s going to hurt me and the NPC both. I just wish I could stop myself. The years go by and it only gets harder.”

Despite Cash’s seeming concern for the NPC, those close to Cash wish he would move on from the botched in-game conversation.

“He still owes me $14 from when we saw Drive in theaters. But I guess that doesn’t matter to him because I’m not a bunch of fucking pixels,” said Cash’s longtime friend and roommate Selina Barlow. “I swear to God, the amount that he talks about the time he was rude to Grunt, you would think it’s his ex boyfriend or something. But he hasn’t dated anyone since a brief fling in 2013. He says he still isn’t ready for a relationship so intimate after ‘what happened.’ And yea, you guessed it, ‘what happened’ is when he was mean to Grunt.”

Cash, however, is determined to make things right.

“No matter how many times I play Mass Effect 2, changing my answer in that crucial dialogue option, I can’t help but shake the feeling that there’s nothing I can do to change history,” Cash explained. “But I know Grunt is in Mass Effect 3. I’ve just been too scared to give it a shot and see if I can make things right with him. That being said, I’m working with my therapist on a plan of action to see if maybe I can find a way to play the game and right my wrong within the next five years. We’re also working on figuring out why my friends all seem to be mad at me, but that’s much lower on the list.”

When reached for comment, Grunt said that he has already forgiven Cash, and yearns merely to satisfy his blood lust.