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LOS ANGELES ā Local gamer Alex Thorne, who is currently living through a period called the Purge in which all crime is legal, took advantage of the occasion to launch a website dedicated to hosting pirated Nintendo ROMs.
āNintendoās lawyers have shut down pretty much every site thatās tried to host their games,ā Thorne said, peering through his window to keep an eye on the wanton destruction happening outside. āIāve still managed to build a pretty big collection of Nintendo ROMs though. So when the Purge started and all crime became legal for a while, I figured Iād just upload them while their lawyers couldnāt do anything about it.ā
Deftly catching a Molotov cocktail flying in through the window, Thorne continued, āNintendoās already reached out and demanded I take the site down. Iām not scared though. What are they going to do, sue me?ā
Asked why he didnāt use the Purge to cleanse his inner demons by committing more serious crimes, such as murder, Thorne responded, āWhat the fuck? Why the hell would I do that? I just want people to be able to play Yoshiās Island for free. Jesus.ā
Fred Thompson, one of several thousand attorneys for Nintendo, assured that the company would take action against Thorneās ROM site.
āRest assured, Nintendo does not take piracy lightly. Itās completely unacceptable for people to distribute games that we no longer offer for sale in any capacity.ā
Thompson would not elaborate on the specific actions Nintendo plans to take against Thorne, offering only a cryptic message: āLetās just say weāll make sure his body is ready.ā
At press time, Thorneās site was offline. He could not be reached for comment. Reports indicate that two men wearing overalls were seen exiting Thorneās building shortly before all laws were reinstated at the end of the Purge.