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Gamer at Massage Parlor Can’t Seem to Unlock Happy Ending


DALLAS — Video game enthusiast Tommy Meyers was reportedly frustrated today when he couldn’t seem to unlock the happy ending for the Royal Day Massage Parlor and Spa after receiving a deep tissue massage.

“I can never seem to unlock the happy ending. This shit is too difficult!” Meyers said. “I’ve tried all sorts of dialogue choices, Good Samaritan runs, and walkthroughs, but I can’t get it right. No matter what I try, I always end up with the bad ending, which is obviously no fun at all. A couple of times I got close to the happy ending, but all I did was unlock something I call the friction ending.”

The Royal Day Massage Parlor and Spa head manager Robert Friedland commented on how the parlor was designed to be difficult.

“When I created this massage parlor I always liked the idea of people getting different branching paths depending on their choices,” Friedland said. “I’ve seen some happy runs, bad runs, sad runs, but I’m just really hoping nobody tries a genocide run of their massage.”

The masseuse Meyers regularly books, Brittany Meadows, spoke in regards to Meyers’ goals for future runs.

“I’m not jerking this creep off,” Meadows said. “If that’s the bad ending, then so be it. For me it’s the ‘getting paid at my job’ ending and it’s the exclusive ending for me. Don’t bring morality into it, there’s no system here that leads to anything but that.” 

At press time, Meyers said he is looking forward to future runs, and that if he ever does unlock the happy ending, he will try to speedrun it.