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Gamer Afraid to Use Epipen In Case He Needs It Later


FRESNO, Calif. — Local gamer John Manson was hospitalized after an allergic reaction to shellfish at a Red Lobster Monday night; according to witnesses, Manson refused to use his prescribed Ephedrine Pen out of fear that he may need the item for battles in the future. 

“Come on, we’ve all been there. I use the Epi-Pen now and then, boom — I have to face off against some even bigger shellfish later,” Mason said. “I unlocked the Epi-Pen at age seven, when I first went into anaphylactic shock, but I have never used it. I’m only twenty, and this could be crucial to getting myself out of a jam in my sixties or seventies. I need to train myself to get past the first few waves of shellfish without it, anyway.  Also, if I blew through all my Ephedrine then, with the healthcare system right now, who knows when I’ll be able to get a restock. It’s a rare item!”

Saint Bernadette’s Chief of Medicine Doctor Richard Hemming weighed in on the situation.

“With his insurance, Mr. Manson can only afford about one or two more trips to the emergency room, so he better save his last one for when he really needs it,” Dr. Hemming explained. “He wasted one on being born about two decades ago, so now he really only has one final one left. If you get to the end of life but relied on all those crutches like medicine and hospitals, it doesn’t really count in my book. Only the real hardcore people do no-heal runs. And that’s the life I subscribe to, as a doctor.”

At press time, witnesses reported seeing Manson back at Red Lobster attempting to exploit the invincibility frames granted by his Epi-Pen to rush through two full courses of shellfish.