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Feminist Hero Actually Prefers Velma

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BRAINERD, Minn. — Brave local man Joseph Brita has confirmed his preference for Velma over the more conventionally attractive Daphne when it comes to Scooby Doo women.

ā€œFor years I’ve been terrified of letting the world know my darkest secret. No longer will I live in fear,ā€ Brita said while scrolling through his several gigabytes of Velma porn. ā€œI shall stand on the highest hill and shout my truth: I think Velma is so much hotter than Daphne.ā€

Brita’s announcement brought an outpouring of support from all over the world, with many calling him the greatest feminist of all time.

ā€œNow that I’m ā€˜out’ about my preference, it’s been gratifying to receive the praise I so desperately deserve,ā€ said Brita, showing off dozens of awards and honorary doctorates. ā€œIt was hard to live in a world where people audibly gasped at my choice to jerk off to the adorkable Velma over the stereotypical Daphne. I’m glad to see things have changed, all because of me.ā€

Roommate of the hero Tyler Dollop helped explain some of the fascination.

ā€œI’m worried about him, honestly. He has pictures of Velma up everywhere in his room, I’m talking wall-to-wall Velma. He also has made a little shrine in his closet that he thinks I don’t know about. Worst of all, his rent money always goes to more figures of Velma. God knows what he’s doing with them,ā€ Dollop said. ā€œThis behavior is utterly irrational — I mean, isn’t Daphne the one you’re supposed to want?ā€

Meanwhile, prominent academics have praised Brita for his courage, believing all men should follow in his footsteps.

ā€œMr. Brita showcases what is, I believe, the single greatest victory in the battle against sexism since suffrage,ā€ said Amy Frank, Professor of Feminist Studies at Princeton. ā€œI just want to say to him, on behalf of women everywhere: Thank you for being physically attracted to someone who isn’t Daphne.ā€

At press time, hackers had just uncovered a secret hard drive on Brita’s computer, filled to the brim with Daphne porn.