LOS ANGELES — An attempted sex party has gone completely off the rails after the three couples in attendance began their fifth game of Quiplash, one half of local nerd couple and host Stacy Nighy confirmed.
“Greg and I talked a lot about ethical non monogamy over the pandemic, and we were excited to open up our relationship once it was safe to see people again,” reported an aggravated and topless Nighy. “I think I underestimated how awkward these dudes are, though. Nobody has touched me except for Mark accidentally elbowing my boob during Mario Kart.”
The hotly anticipated event, which was the culmination of months of planning, seemed doomed from the outset.
“Things started off cold and only got worse as the night progressed,” fumed lingerie-clad partygoer Tammy Kristoff. “We got here around six and the boys immediately got out their Switches and started a Smash tournament. I asked if there was anything else they wanted to smash, but I don’t think they heard me.”
The women at the party made countless attempts to course correct, including flirty innuendo, a humiliating game of Strip Cards Against Humanity, and even outright begging. None of their socially anxious boyfriends took the bait.
“I can tell this isn’t what Stacy had in mind, but considering I met these guys in a Zoom D&D game, I’m impressed they managed to leave the house,” opined Nighy’s boyfriend Greg Krasner. “I can tell she wants me to make a move on her, but my hands are covered in Dorito dust.”
Not everyone saw the night as a failure, however. Phil Parker, a local Gamestop employee and cosplay enthusiast, was having the time of his life.
“Tonight was wild. Not only did I get to game with my boys, but I even saw tits. I didn’t read the e-vite but this is by far the best board game night I’ve ever been to.”
At press time, a sexually frustrated Nighy was spotted downstairs at the fusebox attempting to cut power to the building.