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Even Priest Has to Admit Goku Could Beat Jesus


ST. LOUIS — Local priest Father Johnathan Samson admitted in his homily Sunday that anime character Goku could beat up Jesus, the son of God, if the two were to ever fight.

“I’m reluctant to admit it, but it’s true. I wanted to believe that Jesus was more powerful than all things and beings, but after I watched some of the show, I had some doubts,” Father Samson said. “At one point this Goku character turns into a giant powerful ape. Never seen Jesus do that.”

Local Dragon Ball Z Fan Club President Adam Wayland weighed in on the matchup.

“I’ve been saying this for years,” Wayland said. “The guy’s big thing was coming back from the dead, but Goku’s done that like three times. I’ve read all the manga and the Gospel, and never once does Jesus train with a fabled master or increase his power level. Jesus couldn’t even handle the Romans, but you’re telling me he could go one on one with Frieza? In your dreams.”

Despite some backlash within the congregation, Father Samson defended his comments.

“Goku is fictional of course, so there is no need to worry,” Samson said. “However — although I am a man of the cloth, not a betting man — if they ever did fight I’m picking the Saiyan Warrior Prince over the poor Israelite. Maybe if Jesus and the Holy Ghost did a fusion dance, it would maybe be a different story, but if Goku goes Mastered Ultra Instinct, then it’s just a total wash. Just have to be honest here.”

When news reached the Vatican, Pope Francis announced that he is starkly against the comments Father Samson made, completely believing the messiah would triumph over Goku. A few hours later, however, he did reveal that Vegeta would absolutely thrash Jesus without a second thought.