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Employees Urged to Keep Working After T-Virus Exposure Unless They Have Giant Eyeball Growing Out of Their Shoulder

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RACCOON CITY — The Raccoon City Health Department (RCHD) recently advised employees exposed to the rapidly spreading T-Virus to continue reporting for work, unless their symptoms included the growth of a giant eyeball on their shoulder.

ā€œCases where there is no new eyeball growth in the shoulder region can be classified as mild,ā€ said Robert Winters, director of the RCHD. ā€œPeople without such growth can safely continue to work. We know the T-Virus only spreads if infected people bite others who are not yet infected, and people with mild infections do not do this the majority of the time.ā€

The RCHD faced severe backlash for this new guidance, but Winters maintained that allowing people with mild cases to work was the only option to avoid total societal collapse.

ā€œUnfortunately, the T-Virus is spreading quite rapidly and has grown beyond our ability to control,ā€ Winters said. ā€œIf we were to ask everyone, even those with mild infections, to stay home from work, we could see a potential collapse of society due to the loss of many employees who are essential to keep society functioning. We may have to abandon our goal of completely eliminating T-Virus spread and instead learn to start living with it.ā€

Jane Redfield, an employee at a Raccoon City weapons shop, stated that she was recently infected by a coworker with a mild case.

ā€œOur boss told Bill to keep coming in after getting infected since he wasn’t growing any eyeballs or anything. He was fine for a couple of days, but you could tell he was getting worse. Then one day, out of nowhere, he bit me,ā€ said Redfield, pointing to a pair of teeth marks on her right calf. ā€œSo now I’m infected, too.ā€

Redfield’s boss would not allow her to take sick time, however, insisting that the weapons shop was an essential business. ā€œHe says people need weapons to fight off all the infected people with severe cases,ā€œ Redfield said.

At press time, the RCHD director could not be reached for comment. Phone calls to the department were answered only with various screaming and growling noises.