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Elden Ring Shelved Until You Clean Up Your Act, Little Mister


TOKYO — It has been officially announced today in a release from developer From Software that its highly anticipated title Elden Ring has been once again shelved until you clean up your act, little mister.

“We’ve seen your report cards, and frankly, we are not impressed. Not one bit,” said Elden Ring director Hidetaka Miyazaki in a stern, but fair tone in this morning’s release. “And until you shape up, your little video game is going way up here on the shelf where only mommies, daddies, and Bandai Namco can reach.”

Soulsborne fans around the world shared in a great deal of discourse over the upsetting news by taking to social media to express their grievances.

“This is utterly ridiculous. This thing has won Most Anticipated Game two years running in the time it’s taken to come out, when is this gonna end?” complained one fully grown man in the Twitter replies of the announcement. “Not to mention the fact that I’ve been a really really good boy all year long, even tidied my room twice this week. And now this? I might as well just stop cleaning the house and bathing all together. There is literally no incentive to at this point!”

Famed fantasy author and Elden Ring writer George RR Martin was reached for comment, and felt the punishment certainly fit the crime.

“Something I learned in both my youth and my career as a storyteller is that if you misbehave, you shouldn’t be allowed to fantasize about slaying monsters in a gothic medieval setting — or play with your toys. And in this case, and with The Winds of Winter, for that matter, it’s both,” Martin said of the matter. “I encourage all those waiting on Elden Ring to sit tight, say their prayers, and eat their veggies. Who knows, maybe Mr. Martin will put in a good word for you with Santa Claus. He’s on my speed dial, you know.”

At press time, the rumours of an under-the-table deal that was supposedly struck between Bandai Namco and Sony to allow PlayStation owners to play Elden Ring on the weekends at their uncle’s house was confirmed. However, the game’s window of availability is conditional upon completion of homework and ensuring the dog has been fed.