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We have exciting news here at Hard Drive! Following in the footsteps of great newspapers before us like the Washington Post, our publication has been purchased by Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos. Also, and this is totally unrelated to the news we just announced in the last sentence, but has anyone but us noticed that Bezos is like insanely sexy? 

Anyway, we think this is a terrific step forward for our little website and we want to be perfectly clear and promise right here and now that Bezos’ acquisition of our publication will have absolutely no impact on the standards of our editorial team. As Jeff guides us forward with his steady hands, taking our magazine into his big strong arms, we’re positive that we will be able to stay the course with our accurate reporting. Hard Drive will be exactly the same as it always was, regardless of our hot new owner.

But what if Bezos does something abhorrent and we have to cover it in our news section? OK well first of all, how would that even happen? I mean, sure, he did some shitty things at Amazon, and we reported on that when it happened, but maybe we were just reading it all wrong. When we looked into Bezos’ deep, beautiful eyes at our last editorial meeting (he sits in on them, but doesn’t chime in at all, unless he feels he has to), he assured us that he would never do anything wrong. 

But under the bizarre hypothetical circumstances that Bezos does something bad, we would of course be able to criticize him. Despite Bezos owning our website, we are still a purely independent publication and he will never come between us and our incredibly unbiased reporting. And we don’t have to say this at all, but it’s important for us to note, once again, that Jeff Bezos is stupid hot. We’d love to wrap our legs around his cue ball head while he goes to town on our groins. It’s something we just noticed, sure, but it’s also something we would have said for years had we thought of it, and has nothing to do with the fact that he bought our publication.

At the end of the day, we’re simply very excited for what this means for our website. With a massive budget, we’ll be covering all sorts of new and interesting topics that our readers will love to hear about. Topics that most websites are too cowardly to cover, even. Plus, it should give us a lot to do now that we’ve decided we don’t really feel like covering Amazon or income inequality so much anymore. 

And also… Sorry, we got distracted. Fucking damn, that Bezos really is scorching hot, huh?