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BATTLEFIELD — The unseen crowd watching Roy and Ganondorf battle it out on the floating platforms known as Battlefield were reportedly just stupidly cheering for the fighter who just died, according to frustrated sources close to the information.

“‘Roy’s our boy. Roy’s our boy.’ Yeah, well your boy just fucking died, dumbass,” said Ganondorf after clutching it out in battle with just one remaining stock. “I’m so fucking sick of this shit. As a lowtier, it’s hard enough as it is getting any respect in this competition. You know how annoying that is? Not to mention that everybody’s always saying I’m just a Captain Falcon clone in the first place. Uh, I have a sword now, assholes! The least you can do — the fucking least you can do — is cheer for me when I’m winning a fight. You don’t have to cheer for the guy who just got kicked into oblivion, maybe. But that’s just my two cents, I guess.”

According to those familiar with the situation, however, Roy disagrees with the Hylian villain’s assertions. 

“The crowd isn’t chanting for who dies the least. They’re chanting for whoever their boy is. That’s me,” Roy said. “Sorry you can’t handle the fact that no one likes how much you complain about how bad you are at fighting. ‘Wahhh I’m too slow!’ Grow up. You’re always going on about how you have to get a hard read if you wanna get a kill. Well this is Smash Bros, not War and Peace. Go fuck yourself, Ganon.”

When asked to comment, members of the crowd themselves seemed unclear about the argument.

“I just like to say people’s names,” said one wireframe crowd member, who asked to remain anonymous. “Like when I see Ike show up on the stage, I’m like, ‘oh. I like that guy.’ It helps me keep track of what’s going on too. Sometimes I don’t know who’s fighting, and then everybody starts saying the person’s name, and I’m like, ‘cool, that’s Donkey Kong. Now I know.’ I just like hanging out with my friends and watching live entertainment.”

At press time, members of the crowd murmured, however, that they wouldn’t mind getting to say the name ‘Waluigi’ for once.