JERUSALEM — Local unemployed man and follower of Jesus of Nazareth, Thomas the Apostle, revealed his disappointment following the crucifixion of his leader this past Friday, insisting the messianic figure could have at least enchanted a weapon or something before he died.
“It’s weird, man. Jesus had been telling us for months that he would be killed by one of his own and then come back from the dead. But I was kind of hoping something cool would happen after they took his body down from the cross,” Thomas admitted after Roman guards had placed Christ’s body in a sealed tomb. “If you ask me, I think it would’ve been pretty badass if there had been a sword or something placed at the site of his crucifixion. And then like, whoever picks it up would bring him back or become the next Jesus or whatever. To follow the story of a second character would have been tight as hell.”
The disciple went on to describe other letdowns from his teacher throughout their travels across the Holy Land.
“What Jesus mostly did around Galilee was turn-based. He would perform a miracle, then make a speech, then we would flee from the enemy guards. Pretty simple stuff,” Thomas recalled. “We were in Bethesda, and we didn’t even get to perform any real-time combat. We just healed some guy. No exclusive item or secret area revealed as a reward either. Just another standard objective for us.”
In addition to the magic sword, Thomas revealed further predictions and a personal wishlist for the recently announced Second Coming of Christ.
“With this second installment, a lot of us are hoping for some more dynamic elements. A lot of the strategy seems to be contrived, so something more robust and faster-paced would be nice. I dunno, kind of something you’d see in Xenoblade Chronicles 2. Also the environments are pretty barren around here, and I’d personally love it if we got to explore some new locations outside the Levant. So maybe even include a westward expansion.”
When the Resurrection launched two days later, Thomas complained that the event was still not up to his expectations, but that he would be fine with waiting another few millennia to see if any later patches would be added.