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Crude Mountain Dew Reaches Highest Price in Decades


NEW YORK — Omicron, the latest coronavirus variant to dominate headlines, has struck devastating blows to several industries, including the crude Mountain Dew market, which has seen prices skyrocket to their highest since the aftermath of 9/11, bummed gamers have reported.

“It’s not hard to figure out what’s happening,” said Blake Dexon, a dew trader. “Soon we’ll probably start to see travel slow down, we could see lockdowns and quarantines coming back in a big way. People are gonna be at home, playing games and shit. Demand for dew and all variations of it are gonna spike, just like we saw in early 2020. Factor in pre-existing supply chain issues and a new Halo game coming out, and the industry just isn’t ready for how bad it’s about to be rocked, to the extreme, I’m afraid, dude.” 

Crude dew prices generally dip a bit around the holidays, as other seasonal markets trend upward and relegate the fossil gamer fuel to middling prices. This year however, that trend has been starkly reversed. 

“It’s fucking horseshit,” said Aiden McAlpine, a local high schooler that’s been struggling to afford Mountain Dew on his modest allowance. “I don’t understand any of that bullshit on the news at all when they talk about barrels and prices, but I do know I just paid 6 bucks for a two liter and it’s getting out of control. I know we all made fun of that lady saying she needed a dozen gallons of milk a week, but this is different; this fucking matters. Thanks a lot, Biden! Trump drank too much Diet Coke to ever let this happen.”

As of press time, standard dew prices had stabilized, leveling down to $75 a barrel. Meanwhile, Code Red prices continued to soar, prompting Wall Street to declare a Code Red.