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CHICAGO ā Newly orphaned local resident Tyler Frances is reportedly recovering from the recent tragedy that both of his parents were murdered in an alleyway mugging by staying positive, an outlook he credits to the Golden Age of comic books.
āI am choosing to view this not as an obstacle, but as an opportunity,ā Frances said. āBatman was a nobody before his parents were killed. Spiderman was just some geeky loser. Tony Stark didnāt even like his dad. I could go on and on. Now that my tragic origin is behind me, I have nowhere to go but up. Be on the lookout for big things from me, or should I say my alter ego, Dead Parents Boy. Working title.ā
āI donāt have any powers or skills at the moment, but Iām sure the narrative structure of my life will turn around soon,ā Frances added. āFingers crossed I fall into a vat of something by the second act. I guess Iāll miss my mom and dad, but I really couldnāt achieve my dreams with them still walking around all alive and stuff.ā
According to those close to the situation, mugger Mike Watney, who has since been taken into custody, is confused by Francesā unique take on the situation.
āWhen we were in court, he kept swearing his revenge on me and all this stuff,ā Watney said. āI actually had to explain to the guy that they gave me two life sentences with no chance of parole, Iām aināt getting out for him to take his revenge on. Also, the guyās like 90 pounds soakinā wet, I donāt think heās much of a threat to anybody.ā
The brother of the deceased and Francesā uncle, Benjamin Frances, shared Tylerās sentiments.
āPhew!ā Benjamin said. āIām just glad it wasnāt me. I hung out with Tyler a lot, so it was really a 50/50.ā
At press time, Francesā permit requests for a gas-powered grapple gun, nuclear powered car, and his adoption application for a young orphan boy for āsidekick purposesā were all denied by the state of Illinois.Ā