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Seeing as it’s Thanksgiving Weekend, I just wanted to say that I am thankful to all the commenters and readers we have. If it weren’t for you all, I’d have to just show my favorite nerd tweets to my family, and they’ve made it clear I’m already on strike two. Now please, join me in an awkward prayer before we dig into this bountiful feast of comments.

5. Crowdfunded Bottle Opener ‘Indestructible’ for Some Reason

Have you recently made an extravagant purchase of a specialty item off a crowdfunding site, and are trying your best to justify it? This can be a trying time for you, but it will be easier if you understand the Six Stages of Buyer’s Remorse: 

1. Denial: During this stage, you will talk up the product in every conversation in an attempt to convince others (as well as yourself) that the purchase was worth it.
2. Anxiety: At this point you will begin to make elaborate plans for projects or events in order to rationalize the purchase.
3. Bargaining: Unprompted, you will begin to tell friends about how cheap it was considering how useful the product is in a desperate ploy to have them buy it off of you.
4. Anger: The hardest stage for many, in which they look at the double digits in their bank account and wonder why the hell they bought a “Smart Egg Beater”.
5. Depression: Depressing because at this point, it will have become socially acceptable in your friend group to make fun of your purchase.
6. Acceptance:  It’s nice if you make it this far, but don’t count on it.

4. Teacher Unsure How to Write Up Student for Hentai Shirt Without Admitting He Knows What Hentai Is

Stunts like this are how teenagers assert dominance, by weaponizing awkwardness. In order to regain control, you will have to strike back. My junior year math teacher told us about hooking up with a local musician and then gaslighting him when he heard the feral cats underneath her floorboards. If she was playing mind games, it worked, because I still think about that every week. What were we talking about?

3. Teacher Unsure How to Write Up Student for Hentai Shirt Without Admitting He Knows What Hentai Is

These are the kinds of scenarios they should be training you for when you are getting your Education Degree. Courses like “How To Gracefully Stop The Kid Jerking Off Through His Pocket” should take an entire semester if we want these teachers battle ready.

2. Shitty Game Console Looking Forward to Retro Status

The Hard Drive comments section doubles as a confessional for gamers, except there’s no forgiveness of your sins. Also, the other person you were playing with can’t appreciate it, but they were saved by Nintendo’s poor support of voice chat.

1. COVID-19 Gears Up for Another Double-XP Weekend

COVID-19 really is a battle royale, because it seems it’s only going to be over when there’s just one person left.

Thank you so much to everyone who commented this week! If you ever feel like a Wii U, just know I appreciate you. If you want a chance to be featured in next week’s column, be sure to leave a comment on any of our posts across social media. Have a great week everyone!