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Cat Decides 4 a.m. Good Time to Grind Out ‘Cat Tree to Kitchen Counter’ Any% Speedrun


NEW YORK — Local cat and speedrunning phenom Razputin has reportedly been grinding out apartment speedruns each morning at 4 a.m. for the last six months.

“It’s a tricky category to begin with, but you can absolutely forget running it during the day due to the insane human RNG,” Razputin explained through a series of meows, facerubs, and glances. “Dozens of runs lost to getting plucked off the stove right before the counter. Or worse, getting picked up, kissed on the head repeatedly, and called ‘a widdle chaos baby-waby spwinting awound the apartment for no weason.’ Running it at the wee hours of the morning, you avoid all that nonsense, and just focus on the run. That’s how I’ve been able to pull off new strategies like Couch Skip.” 

Razputin’s schedule has been the streamer’s biggest draw to many on Twitch, however. “greetings from down under thanks for streaming when us aussies can watch!!!!” Twitch chat member GdayM86 exclaimed last night alongside a series of CoolCat emotes. Others are just in it for Razputin herself though, such as BeanLoverXL, who was banned for repeatedly asking Razputin to “show us ur paws.”

“I’m grateful for the support, even if it means getting creepy comments from kitty chasers,” Razputin said. “I didn’t expect to get so popular running this category. I ran Bathroom Hairball% for months and never got many followers, so the outpouring of love is so humbling to see. I’ve even been able to do some non-speedrunning streams, like String on Stick Saturday. Not to mention my Instagram is popping off.”

But not everyone is a fan of Razputin and her speedrunning progress. After being awoken by the aftermath of Razputin’s latest failed attempt to land the infamously difficult Coffee Machine Clip, owner Isabella announced that she would “put that bastard in a box and mail her straight to GDQ.”