Tags

DENVER 一 Local college sophomore and notable weirdo Kyler Stevenson claims an enchanted pair of cargo shorts grant him +10 cold resistance, allowing him to withstand the recent drop in temperatures, skeptical bystanders reported.

“Oh, these bad boys? Yeah, I got these last week after my old pair got a real stubborn stain from some ramen,” said the incredibly strange Stevenson. “These new shorts give +10 cold resist and an extra inventory slot, but unfortunately the ‘Fuckin Dweeb’ enchant lowers my base charisma stat by 25. I still think they’re pretty nifty though.”

Employees at the local Old Navy expressed feelings of dissatisfaction while Stevenson shopped around the store. 

“I was fumbling around with the keys to open the store this morning when all of a sudden I felt a ghostly chill and the stench of peanut butter creep up behind me. I almost punched him in the face, but he surprisingly dodged at the last second,” said a shivering Andrea Banderas. “This dork spent four hours switching between two nearly identical pairs of cargo shorts and muttering about some min-maxing bullshit. I mean, does it really matter if you min Strength and max Dexterity if you’re still a fucking loser?”

Students at The University of Denver expressed concern over Stevenson’s choice of wardrobe as temperatures continued to lower.

“Yeah, I’ve known Kyler since he told me I was sitting in his chair at the start of the semester. At first I thought, ‘Really, cargo shorts in 2021?’, but I let it slide because it was hot outside. I became suspicious of his intentions when October rolled around,” said a worried Leslie Pham. “I asked why he didn’t switch to something warmer, and he said he could go bare-ass naked in the winter because the Amulet of Boreas would prevent all incoming cold damage. Weird dude.”

At press time, Stevenson was found questioning a tenured professor about the boons of equipping Birkenstocks with socks.