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EAST OF EDEN — Son of Adam and Eve and one of the only four people alive, Cain, was caught bashing his brother Abel with a boulder this morning. While Cain is under investigation for a motive, he swears he was just checking to see if friendly fire was on.

“How the hell am I supposed to know?” Cain said. “I’m still not sure how this whole life thing works. My dad is literally 900 years old, and all he ever does is sit around and eat fruit. I wanted to see if there was even a way out of this thing.”

Cain’s mother Eve commented about her son’s actions and what they mean for the future.

“Dude, I got banished from paradise for eating a fruit, I can’t imagine the Mod is gonna let this shit slide,” Eve said. “I mean now we know, friendly fire is on in this world, but I just think maybe he could’ve checked with something other than a massive boulder. Because now we’ve lost a full 25% of our player-base.”

Adam, the party leader of the world so far, gave his opinion on the first murder.

“God has been pretty clear that he hates RDMing,” Adam said. “Even I have to admit, though, it was a pretty sick headshot. I just hope he doesn’t try and start a streak or anything, because this was supposed to be a peaceful server. But I’m sure that now we know the consequences, this will be the last murder that Earth has to endure.” 

At press time, the family launched a vote kick to see if they would let Cain stay, and God revealed to the group that unfortunately this world has no respawns.