May 20, 2019 Let’s Get This Over With: Yes, My Tailpipe Is My Asshole Let’s Get This Over With: Yes, My Tailpipe Is My Asshole Greetings, humans and other sentient creatures of Earth. It is I, Optimus Prime, leader of the heroic Autobots and sworn protector of your planet. Defending…
March 24, 2019 Christian Bale Gains 450,000 Pounds to Play Sandworm in ‘Dune’ Remake Christian Bale Gains 450,000 Pounds to Play Sandworm in ‘Dune’ Remake TUNIS, Tunisia — Christian Bale, an actor known for dramatic transformations, has gained over 450,000 pounds to play a sandworm in the upcoming Dune remake.…
March 11, 2019 Game Heartbroken After Realizing You Were Only Playing Because of Free Trial Weekend Game Heartbroken After Realizing You Were Only Playing Because of Free Trial Weekend SIOUX FALLS — Indie battle royale Fear the Wolves was reportedly heartbroken after it realized you were only playing for the free trial weekend. “I…
March 7, 2019 Civilization VI Player Weighing Foreign Policy Decisions More Heavily Than Actual Leader of United States Civilization VI Player Weighing Foreign Policy Decisions More Heavily Than Actual Leader of United States PHILADELPHIA – Local gamer Jamie Stanfield was shocked when she realized 11 months into a marathon-speed playthrough of Civilization VI that she was spending more…
February 6, 2019 Trump Drops Surprise Announcement of New 325 Million-Player Battle Royale Trump Drops Surprise Announcement of New 325 Million-Player Battle Royale WASHINGTON — President Trump shocked the nation today when he unveiled a new plan which pits 325 million Americans in an all-out fight to the…
January 27, 2019 Democrats in Disarray After President Trump Tweets That US Constitution Isn’t Canon Democrats in Disarray After President Trump Tweets That US Constitution Isn’t Canon WASHINGTON — The newly-emboldened Democratic Party is in disarray today after President Trump announced on social media that the United States Constitution is no longer…
January 19, 2019 Woman Disappointed Her Date Doesn’t Look Anything Like His Cutscenes Woman Disappointed Her Date Doesn’t Look Anything Like His Cutscenes CHICAGO — Kate Patterson was reportedly disappointed Saturday when her date arrived two hours late and had the gall to not look like the cutscenes…
January 16, 2019 Incredibly Lucky D&D Player Skyping In Has Rolled 7 Nat 20s in a Row Incredibly Lucky D&D Player Skyping In Has Rolled 7 Nat 20s in a Row LAKE GENEVA, Wisc. — The tenth session of a small Dungeons & Dragons game took a turn when Greg Atkinson, the only player skyping-in, had…
January 2, 2019 RANKED: The Top 1 Giant Space Worms in Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back RANKED: The Top 1 Giant Space Worms in Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back The Star Wars fandom is full of debates. Did Han or Greedo shoot first? Are Ewoks cute or annoying kid shit? Is The Last Jedi…
