August 28, 2017 Grandpa Still Haunted by Triple Kill He Got in Korea Grandpa Still Haunted by Triple Kill He Got in Korea NEW BRIDGE, N.J. — Veteran Alex Gresham made it obviously clear to his family that he was not over his incredible and traumatizing three-person kill-streak…
August 2, 2017 Cruel and Unusual: Prison Console for Inmates Only Has Mad Catz Controller Cruel and Unusual: Prison Console for Inmates Only Has Mad Catz Controller ALLENTOWN, Penn. — Alleghany County Jail admitted today, in a shocking revelation, that the XBOX it allows prisoners to spend their “positivity” token to play…
July 24, 2017 Study: 9 Out of 10 League of Legends Players Report Having Fucked Your Mom Study: 9 Out of 10 League of Legends Players Report Having Fucked Your Mom PASADENA, Calif. — A comprehensive study conducted at Stanford University revealed that for every ten people who regularly play League of Legends, nine of them…
July 14, 2017 GameStop Employee Whips Himself in Back Room After Failing to Sell Pre-Order GameStop Employee Whips Himself in Back Room After Failing to Sell Pre-Order BINGHAMTON, N.Y. — GameStop sales representative Donald Simpson quietly walked to the employee breakroom and proceeded to whip himself after failing to convince a customer…
July 7, 2017 Wounded Iraq War Veteran Cured After Crouching Behind Box For Five Seconds Wounded Iraq War Veteran Cured After Crouching Behind Box For Five Seconds WASHINGTON — The Department of Veteran Affairs revealed a catch-all cure for combat veterans that simply requires them to hide behind a box for five…
July 6, 2017 Marvel Reboots Spider-Man Movie During Your Popcorn and Slushie Run Marvel Reboots Spider-Man Movie During Your Popcorn and Slushie Run NEW YORK — After leaving to buy snacks midway through a screening of Spider-Man: Homecoming, Liam Brewster was shocked to discover that Marvel had already…
June 14, 2017 High School Girlfriend Announces No Plans to Port Relationship to College High School Girlfriend Announces No Plans to Port Relationship to College LOS ANGELES — Graduating high school senior Cheryl Dowd announced she has no plans to port what has so far been a successful relationship with…
June 5, 2017 Lara Croft Undergoes Triangle Reduction Surgery Lara Croft Undergoes Triangle Reduction Surgery L OS ANGELES — Following decades of suffering, Lara Croft reportedly underwent a successful surgery today to reduce her incredibly large and geometrically pleasing breasts today. “After years…
June 5, 2017 Girl Who Claims to Like Video Games Grilled for 10 Hours at Senate Hearing Girl Who Claims to Like Video Games Grilled for 10 Hours at Senate Hearing WASHINGTON D.C. — After reportedly stating at a casual gathering of friends that her favorite series was Mass Effect and that she is “super excited” for…
