November 7, 2019 Gamer Admits He Gets a Little More Excited When He Wins Online Mario Kart Race Against Players With Japanese Flag Gamer Admits He Gets a Little More Excited When He Wins Online Mario Kart Race Against Players With Japanese Flag BROOKLYN, N.Y. — After winning a 150 CC race of Mario Kart 8 online, Justin Cordroy felt his heart flutter a tiny bit more when he…
September 16, 2019 Julian Assange Enters U.S. and Immediately Gets 6-Star Wanted Level Julian Assange Enters U.S. and Immediately Gets 6-Star Wanted Level WASHINGTON — Founder of WikiLeaks Julian Assange immediately received a 6-star ‘wanted’ level after crossing the United States border, drawing all manners of law enforcement,…
September 10, 2019 Tesla Update Requires Owner to Tweet Praise at Elon Musk Before Car Starts Tesla Update Requires Owner to Tweet Praise at Elon Musk Before Car Starts PALO ALTO, Calif. — A surprise software update was sent out to Tesla cars late last night that locks the car from starting its engine…
August 27, 2019 Twitch Releases Mad-Libs Style Stock Apology for Popular Streamers Twitch Releases Mad-Libs Style Stock Apology for Popular Streamers SAN FRANCISCO — With aspirations to enter the mainstream and gain more lucrative advertisers, Twitch sent out a “fill in the blank” apology form to…
August 1, 2019 Nintendo Dreading Inevitable Adoption of Shy Guys as Incel Mascot Nintendo Dreading Inevitable Adoption of Shy Guys as Incel Mascot BELLEVUE, Wash. — Crowded around a conference room table in the Nintendo of America headquarters, COO Doug Bowser and numerous high-level executives brain-stormed ways to…
July 31, 2019 Next Season of ‘The Bachelorette’ Has 3.2 Million Twitch Followers Compete for Pokimane’s Love Next Season of ‘The Bachelorette’ Has 3.2 Million Twitch Followers Compete for Pokimane’s Love BISMARCK, N.D. — After the conclusion of the most recent The Bachelorette season, ABC announced that Twitch user Pokimane would be the show’s next star.…
July 10, 2019 Anti-Loot Box Senator Wakes Up to Crate With 1/5 Chance of Containing Horse Head Anti-Loot Box Senator Wakes Up to Crate With 1/5 Chance of Containing Horse Head WASHINGTON — Freshman Republican Senator from Missouri, Josh Hawley, discovered a box in his bed that said it contained a 20% chance of having a…
June 24, 2019 Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge Features Incredibly Lifelike Rian Johnson for Fans to Yell At Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge Features Incredibly Lifelike Rian Johnson for Fans to Yell At ORLANDO, Fla. — Alongside its life-size Millennium Falcon and replica lightsabers for purchase, Disney revealed that its new Star Wars-themed section of Disneyworld will also…
June 17, 2019 Rogue Valve Developer Works on Game Rogue Valve Developer Works on Game BELLEVUE, Wash. — Nervously looking over his shoulder, Valve programmer David Nasbeth continued to rebel against company culture and defy direct orders from his bosses…
