February 24, 2021 Sonic the Hedgehog Found Crushed to Death Inside Vegas Slot Machine Sonic the Hedgehog Found Crushed to Death Inside Vegas Slot Machine LAS VEGAS — Tragedy struck at the Bellagio Hotel & Casino today, as the squished and dismembered carcass of beloved cultural icon Sonic the Hedgehog…
February 19, 2021 Director of Upcoming Game ‘Shoot JFK in the Fucking Head’ Insists It Won’t Be Political in Nature Director of Upcoming Game ‘Shoot JFK in the Fucking Head’ Insists It Won’t Be Political in Nature LOS ANGELES — The director of an upcoming first person shooter set in Dallas during the 1960s, Shoot JFK in the Fucking Head, has insisted…
February 18, 2021 Initial Probe of Mars Surface Reveals no New Information on Metroid Prime 4 Initial Probe of Mars Surface Reveals no New Information on Metroid Prime 4 WASHINGTON — NASA’s Perseverance rover has landed on Mars and reportedly discovered no new information about Nintendo’s upcoming video game, Metroid Prime 4. “Oh man,…
February 9, 2021 CD Projekt Red Pleads With Hackers for Three More Weeks to Meet Demands CD Projekt Red Pleads With Hackers for Three More Weeks to Meet Demands WARSAW — Following a data breach that reportedly involved internal documents and sensitive personal information, game developers CD Projekt Red have released a public statement…
February 2, 2021 I Can’t Wait to Start Whackin’ Off All Day I Can’t Wait to Start Whackin’ Off All Day Hello gamers! By now you’ve probably read from a dozen different outlets that I have decided to step down as CEO of Amazon. All of…
February 2, 2021 Steam Announces Oddly Specific ‘Games You and Molly Used to Play Before You Broke Up’ Sale Steam Announces Oddly Specific ‘Games You and Molly Used to Play Before You Broke Up’ Sale BELLEVUE, Wash. — Online video game retailer Steam has announced an eerily particular sale, seemingly curated exclusively around games you used to play with Molly…
January 12, 2021 Nation Sets Aside Differences to Agree on Timothy Olyphant Nation Sets Aside Differences to Agree on Timothy Olyphant WASHINGTON — A nation on the brink of collapse took a few moments today to universally agree that Timothy Olyphant is a charismatic actor. “Oh…
January 10, 2021 No One at Mario’s High School Reunion Sure What He’s Talking About No One at Mario’s High School Reunion Sure What He’s Talking About GREAT NECK, N.Y. — Plumber, adventurer, and class of 1985 graduate Mario Mario reportedly confused the majority of his graduating class as he told old…
January 6, 2021 Albert Wesker Controversially Among First to Receive T-Virus Vaccine Albert Wesker Controversially Among First to Receive T-Virus Vaccine RACCOON CITY — Albert Wesker, a former commanding officer of the highly decorated Alpha Team of the STARS division of the RCPD, has angered many…
