Mark Roebuck

Sonic the Hedgehog Found Crushed to Death Inside Vegas Slot Machine

LAS VEGAS — Tragedy struck at the Bellagio Hotel & Casino today, as the squished and dismembered carcass of beloved…

4 years ago

Director of Upcoming Game ‘Shoot JFK in the Fucking Head’ Insists It Won’t Be Political in Nature

LOS ANGELES — The director of an upcoming first person shooter set in Dallas during the 1960s, Shoot JFK in…

4 years ago

Initial Probe of Mars Surface Reveals no New Information on Metroid Prime 4

WASHINGTON — NASA’s Perseverance rover has landed on Mars and reportedly discovered no new information about Nintendo’s upcoming video game,…

4 years ago

CD Projekt Red Pleads With Hackers for Three More Weeks to Meet Demands

WARSAW — Following a data breach that reportedly involved internal documents and sensitive personal information, game developers CD Projekt Red…

4 years ago

I Can’t Wait to Start Whackin’ Off All Day

Hello gamers! By now you’ve probably read from a dozen different outlets that I have decided to step down as…

4 years ago

Steam Announces Oddly Specific ‘Games You and Molly Used to Play Before You Broke Up’ Sale

BELLEVUE, Wash. — Online video game retailer Steam has announced an eerily particular sale, seemingly curated exclusively around games you…

4 years ago

Nation Sets Aside Differences to Agree on Timothy Olyphant

WASHINGTON — A nation on the brink of collapse took a few moments today to universally agree that Timothy Olyphant…

4 years ago

No One at Mario’s High School Reunion Sure What He’s Talking About

GREAT NECK, N.Y. — Plumber, adventurer, and class of 1985 graduate Mario Mario reportedly confused the majority of his graduating…

4 years ago

Albert Wesker Controversially Among First to Receive T-Virus Vaccine

RACCOON CITY — Albert Wesker, a former commanding officer of the highly decorated Alpha Team of the STARS division of…

4 years ago