John Danek

John Danek

Mega Man Unsure of Optimal Order to Ask Bosses for RaiseMega Man Unsure of Optimal Order to Ask Bosses for Raise

Mega Man Unsure of Optimal Order to Ask Bosses for Raise

FALLS CHURCH, Va. — Humanoid robot Mega Man expressed dismay at having no idea what the ideal order is for…

4 years ago
YouTube Creators Share Tips for Perfectly Timing Orgasm with Taking Thumbnail PhotoYouTube Creators Share Tips for Perfectly Timing Orgasm with Taking Thumbnail Photo

YouTube Creators Share Tips for Perfectly Timing Orgasm with Taking Thumbnail Photo

LOS ANGELES — Many YouTubers are letting fans in on the secrets of how to time their orgasms while taking…

4 years ago
World’s Most Boring Video Game Player Raises Defense StatWorld’s Most Boring Video Game Player Raises Defense Stat

World’s Most Boring Video Game Player Raises Defense Stat

PEORIA, Ill. — Friends of Shaun Conner were disappointed but unsurprised as he continually raised the defense stat of his…

5 years ago
Valorant Player a Disappointment to All His Friends in Real Life TooValorant Player a Disappointment to All His Friends in Real Life Too

Valorant Player Disappointment to All His Friends in Real Life Too

GREENSBORO, N.C. — Local gamer Harry Olsen continues to frustrate his friends with a total lack of awareness and poor…

5 years ago
New Podcast ‘My Least Favorite Murder’ Discusses Death of Host’s WifeNew Podcast ‘My Least Favorite Murder’ Discusses Death of Host’s Wife

New Podcast ‘My Least Favorite Murder’ Discusses Death of Host’s Wife

SIOUX FALLS, S.D. — Capitalizing on the true crime entertainment craze, Clifford Waters has turned his grief over his wife’s…

5 years ago
NFL Dating Simulator Wins Survival Horror Game of the YearNFL Dating Simulator Wins Survival Horror Game of the Year

NFL Dating Simulator Wins Survival Horror Game of the Year

NEW YORK — NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell held a press conference at NFL Headquarters to announce that their terrifying new…

6 years ago
Friends Concerned After White Guy Expresses No Interest in Visiting JapanFriends Concerned After White Guy Expresses No Interest in Visiting Japan

Friends Concerned After White Guy Expresses No Interest in Visiting Japan

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Pasty white guy Michael Stephenson alarmed friends and loved ones by vocalizing that he had absolutely no…

6 years ago
Department of Defense Confirms North Korea Building Their Own Kitten CannonDepartment of Defense Confirms North Korea Building Their Own Kitten Cannon

Department of Defense Confirms North Korea Building Their Own Kitten Cannon

SEOUL — U.S. and South Korean officials revealed that North Korea is building their own version of the “kitten cannon,”…

6 years ago
Lil Nas X’s ‘Old Town Road’ Released in Japan as ‘Lil Castlevania Nas X: Old Town Rondo of Road’Lil Nas X’s ‘Old Town Road’ Released in Japan as ‘Lil Castlevania Nas X: Old Town Rondo of Road’

Lil Nas X’s ‘Old Town Road’ Released in Japan as ‘Lil Castlevania Nas X: Old Town Rondo of Road’

TOKYO — Konami announced plans to create a music record label to release smash hit song "Old Town Road" by…

6 years ago