June 8, 2020 AOC Grafts Gun Onto Arm, Demands You Hear the Planet’s Cries of Pain AOC Grafts Gun Onto Arm, Demands You Hear the Planet’s Cries of Pain NEW YORK, N.Y. — Gesturing wildly with the large machine gun that had been recently surgically grafted onto her right arm, U.S. Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez…
April 9, 2020 Animal Crossing: New Horizons is So Beautiful You Can Almost Forget It’s a Rehab Facility Animal Crossing: New Horizons is So Beautiful You Can Almost Forget It’s a Rehab Facility Written by Jay Miller Narrated by Mark Roebuck Edited by Peter Kemme
March 29, 2020 Bartender Must Cleave Through Groot to Verify His Age Bartender Must Cleave Through Groot to Verify His Age KNOWHERE, T.R. — A bartender at Starlin’s Bar was forced to cut a section of Groot, a beloved Guardian of the Galaxy, in half to…
March 18, 2020 Therapist and Patient Spend Their First Few Sessions Making Character Sheets Therapist and Patient Spend Their First Few Sessions Making Character Sheets SAN FRANCISCO — Local tabletop gamer and new therapy patient Elliot Booker spent his first three sessions with Dr. Elijah Loudermilk adding his base stats,…
March 16, 2020 Level 16 Warlock Still Can’t Identify a d8 Level 16 Warlock Still Can’t Identify a d8 JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Local gamer Steven Chen reportedly held up a d10 when asked to roll 8d8 necrotic damage, despite playing a level 16 warlock…
March 12, 2020 New Pokémon Champion Still Receiving Hundreds of 1099 Forms From Defeated Opponents New Pokémon Champion Still Receiving Hundreds of 1099 Forms From Defeated Opponents WYNDON, Galar — Newly appointed Pokémon Champion and Galar native Alex Khalil has become overwhelmed with a flood of 1099-MISC forms from previously defeated opponents,…
March 11, 2020 Dungeon Master Finally Writes Perfect Campaign, Distributes Scripts to Players Dungeon Master Finally Writes Perfect Campaign, Distributes Scripts to Players COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — Dungeon Master Daniel Hyde recently finished writing his ideal D&D campaign and released the final draft of its script to his…
February 26, 2020 Host Offers Choice Between This Really Dope Board Game That Sounds Awesome and Two Others Host Offers Choice Between This Really Dope Board Game That Sounds Awesome and Two Others SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local game night host Paul Cumiskey has been subjected to heavy criticism following guests’ accusations of bias in his presentation of potential…
February 6, 2020 Grim Reaper Not Sure Who to Take After Thousands Proclaim ‘I Am Kirk Douglas’ Grim Reaper Not Sure Who to Take After Thousands Proclaim ‘I Am Kirk Douglas’ LOS ANGELES — The immortal god of death, the Grim Reaper, is reportedly frustrated with Kirk Douglas fans claiming to be the famed Spartacus actor…
