Hunter R. Thompson

Hitman Guard Not Sure Why Everybody Is Making Annoying Choking Noises on the Comms Today

PARIS — Sources have confirmed that Jean Moreau, head of the security team working the Sanguine fashion show in Paris,…

3 years ago

Doctor Recklessly Prescribes Large Health Pack to Man With 98 HP

LEAWOOD, Kan. — An irresponsible doctor reportedly wrote local man Dave LaRoix a prescription for a large health pack, even…

3 years ago

Tom Lets Out Weary Sigh After Walking Into Kitchen and Noticing Cheese Grater Isn’t Part of the Matte Painting

THE HOUSE — Walking into the kitchen and realizing that he would soon be in danger, sources have confirmed that…

3 years ago

Roguelike Genre Purist Hopes Someone Will Develop Roguelike Someday

SPOKANE, Wash. — Gamer and self-proclaimed roguelike genre purist Noreen Ramirez, hot off the heels of her tenth no-hit run…

4 years ago

Edgar Allan Poe-Themed Fighting Game Locks Fortunato Behind Paywall

BALTIMORE — An upcoming brawler featuring Edgar Allan Poe characters will launch with the iconic “Cask of Amontillado” wine taster…

4 years ago

Six-Hour Operation Finally Separates Headphone Cord From Wheel of Office Chair

CAYCE, S.C. — After over six hours of tense surgery, an emergency procedure has finally separated local gamer Andrae Webb’s…

4 years ago

Guy Who Peaked During Tutorial Never Moves Out of Pallet Town

KANTO — Local would-be Pokémon trainer Bobby, despite completing his initial training, receiving a Pokédex, and being fully prepared to…

4 years ago

How Lewis and Clark Mapped the Louisiana Purchase by Climbing Real Big Tower

HELENA, Mont. — A newly discovered journal of their expedition has revealed that famed American explorers Lewis and Clark apparently…

4 years ago

Casual Gamer Can’t Even Beat First Stage of Grief

CLARKSVILLE, Tenn. — Twenty-eight year old Liam Glasser, secretly loathed by his friends and loved ones for failing to make…

5 years ago