December 1, 2021 Residents Shocked to Discover 97% of Liberty City Cops Live Outside the Map Residents Shocked to Discover 97% of Liberty City Cops Live Outside the Map LIBERTY CITY — Liberty City citizens were shocked and dismayed to learn that over 39,000 officers of the 40,000-strong LCPD live outside the scrolling area…
October 16, 2021 100-Year-Old Gamer Heartbroken He’s Not Allowed to Play Any Board Games 100-Year-Old Gamer Heartbroken He’s Not Allowed to Play Any Board Games BOISE, Idaho — A recent milestone birthday celebration came with it a grim realization for a local man now that he turned 100 years old,…
October 11, 2020 Speedrunner Doesn’t Believe Girlfriend’s Tool-Assisted Orgasm Valid Speedrunner Doesn’t Believe Girlfriend’s Tool-Assisted Orgasm Valid SACRAMENTO — Video game speedrunner Ashton Clemens insisted that a significant portion of his girlfriend’s orgasms were completed incorrectly, arguing that manual orgasms with non-modified…
May 25, 2020 Christian Speedrunning Community Argues Any% Begins at the Loading Screen Christian Speedrunning Community Argues Any% Begins at the Loading Screen BOSTON — Christian speedrunning group ReveRuns posted a declaration today, titled “Life Begins at Loading,” which makes an impassioned plea that all speedruns should begin…
February 12, 2020 Spy Can’t Stop Playing With Cyanide Pill Tooth Spy Can’t Stop Playing With Cyanide Pill Tooth MOSCOW — A secret agent embedded deep within the Russian military reportedly can’t stop monkeying around with the cyanide pill he keeps in his mouth…
August 25, 2019 Desperate History Teacher Starts Calling Everything ‘Lore’ Desperate History Teacher Starts Calling Everything ‘Lore’ MIDVALE, Utah — In an attempt to invigorate his students with a passion for learning, AP U.S. History teacher Frederick Clemens decided half-way through the…
September 2, 2018 Time Traveler From 1994 Unimpressed by Today’s Indie Games Time Traveler From 1994 Unimpressed by Today’s Indie Games SEATTLE — A time traveler from 1994 has awoken to a world altered by 24 years of technological, social, and cultural change, but was reportedly…
October 9, 2017 Counter-Strike K/D Ratio Listed on Skills and Experience Section of Resume Counter-Strike K/D Ratio Listed on Skills and Experience Section of Resume LAKEVILLE, Minn. — Easton Clemens, 17, added his considerable video gaming expertise to his resume in hopes of gaining an edge in the fast-paced food…
