CJ Hernandez

CJ Hernandez

Archaeologists Uncover First Recorded Tier List in Ancient RomeArchaeologists Uncover First Recorded Tier List in Ancient Rome

Archaeologists Uncover First Recorded Tier List in Ancient Rome

ROME — After reconstructing an ancient piece of pottery featuring various Roman gladiators categorized by their perceived strength, ability, and…

4 years ago
Guy Who Summarizes Pay-Walled Articles in the Comments Nominated for Pulitzer PrizeGuy Who Summarizes Pay-Walled Articles in the Comments Nominated for Pulitzer Prize

Guy Who Summarizes Pay-Walled Articles in the Comments Nominated for Pulitzer Prize

NEW YORK — The Pulitzer Prize Board announced nominations for the 2020 Pulitzer Prize in Public Service, including a surprise…

4 years ago
New Gender-Inclusive USB Standards Rename Connectors to Dom and SubNew Gender-Inclusive USB Standards Rename Connectors to Dom and Sub

New Gender-Inclusive USB Standards Rename Connectors to Dom and Sub

BEAVERTON, Ore. — The USB Implementers Forum announced today they would be formally changing the labeling of all USB connectors…

5 years ago
Employees Returning to Work for First Time in Months Discover Office Overrun by WeedsEmployees Returning to Work for First Time in Months Discover Office Overrun by Weeds

Employees Returning to Work for First Time in Months Discover Office Overrun by Weeds

TAMPA, Fla. — Employees returning to the local offices of Seabass Accounting & Tax Services this week were reportedly shocked…

5 years ago
Police Abduct Enough Protesters to Upgrade Unmarked Van with Cool Flame SkinPolice Abduct Enough Protesters to Upgrade Unmarked Van with Cool Flame Skin

Police Abduct Enough Protesters to Upgrade Unmarked Van with Cool Flame Skin

PORTLAND, Ore. — Police and federal troops have reportedly abducted enough protesters to upgrade their unmarked vans with a variety…

5 years ago
President Trump Appoints Dr. Goomba Tower as New Head, Head, and Head of COVID-19 Task ForcePresident Trump Appoints Dr. Goomba Tower as New Head, Head, and Head of COVID-19 Task Force

President Trump Appoints Dr. Goomba Tower as New Head, Head, and Head of COVID-19 Task Force

WASHINGTON — President Trump announced this morning that he would be naming Dr. Goomba Tower as the new head, head,…

5 years ago
Only One Way to Find Out If Start Button Will Pause or Skip Crucial CutsceneOnly One Way to Find Out If Start Button Will Pause or Skip Crucial Cutscene

Only One Way to Find Out If Start Button Will Pause or Skip Crucial Cutscene

TAMPA, Fla. — Local gamer Kristine Rivera reportedly held her bladder for 12 painful minutes last night, unsure if pressing…

5 years ago
Gamers Donate Hundreds of Unused Healing Items to Ruth Bader GinsburgGamers Donate Hundreds of Unused Healing Items to Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Gamers Donate Hundreds of Unused Healing Items to Ruth Bader Ginsburg

WASHINGTON — Gamers across America came together this week to donate hundreds of saved healing items to Supreme Court Justice…

5 years ago
Opinion: Bernie Should Have Stayed in the Primary in Case He Won Every Bonus StarOpinion: Bernie Should Have Stayed in the Primary in Case He Won Every Bonus Star

Opinion: Bernie Should Have Stayed in the Primary in Case He Won Every Bonus Star

Bernie Sanders officially ended his bid for the White House today, ceding the Democratic nomination to former Vice President Joe…

5 years ago
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