CJ Hernandez

Archaeologists Uncover First Recorded Tier List in Ancient Rome

ROME — After reconstructing an ancient piece of pottery featuring various Roman gladiators categorized by their perceived strength, ability, and…

4 years ago

Guy Who Summarizes Pay-Walled Articles in the Comments Nominated for Pulitzer Prize

NEW YORK — The Pulitzer Prize Board announced nominations for the 2020 Pulitzer Prize in Public Service, including a surprise…

4 years ago

New Gender-Inclusive USB Standards Rename Connectors to Dom and Sub

BEAVERTON, Ore. — The USB Implementers Forum announced today they would be formally changing the labeling of all USB connectors…

4 years ago

Employees Returning to Work for First Time in Months Discover Office Overrun by Weeds

TAMPA, Fla. — Employees returning to the local offices of Seabass Accounting & Tax Services this week were reportedly shocked…

4 years ago

Police Abduct Enough Protesters to Upgrade Unmarked Van with Cool Flame Skin

PORTLAND, Ore. — Police and federal troops have reportedly abducted enough protesters to upgrade their unmarked vans with a variety…

4 years ago

President Trump Appoints Dr. Goomba Tower as New Head, Head, and Head of COVID-19 Task Force

WASHINGTON — President Trump announced this morning that he would be naming Dr. Goomba Tower as the new head, head,…

4 years ago

Only One Way to Find Out If Start Button Will Pause or Skip Crucial Cutscene

TAMPA, Fla. — Local gamer Kristine Rivera reportedly held her bladder for 12 painful minutes last night, unsure if pressing…

4 years ago

Gamers Donate Hundreds of Unused Healing Items to Ruth Bader Ginsburg

WASHINGTON — Gamers across America came together this week to donate hundreds of saved healing items to Supreme Court Justice…

5 years ago

Opinion: Bernie Should Have Stayed in the Primary in Case He Won Every Bonus Star

Bernie Sanders officially ended his bid for the White House today, ceding the Democratic nomination to former Vice President Joe…

5 years ago