January 29, 2020 Woman Alone in Own House Escapes to Fantasy of Being Alone in Own House Woman Alone in Own House Escapes to Fantasy of Being Alone in Own House EAST BRUNSWICK, N.J. — After eating a quiet, solitary meal of Trader Joe’s frozen artichoke dip earlier this evening, 23-year-old graduate student Sarah Goldman returned…
August 17, 2019 REPORT: Self-Driving Cars 95% Less Likely to Pull Off Sick Donuts in 7/11 Parking Lot REPORT: Self-Driving Cars 95% Less Likely to Pull Off Sick Donuts in 7/11 Parking Lot PALO ALTO, Calif. — A disheartening new report from Tesla concluded earlier this week that self-driving cars are still years behind their traditional counterparts when…
August 12, 2019 Friends Accidentally Touching Fingers While Passing Controller Forced to Imagine Life Together Friends Accidentally Touching Fingers While Passing Controller Forced to Imagine Life Together BARNEGAT LIGHT, N.J. — Self-described platonic friends Nathaniel Hester and Dorian McIntosh were forced to imagine a saucy domestic fantasy in which they fell deeply…
August 9, 2019 Man Wins Yet Another Round of Laser Tag Using Only Melee Attacks Man Wins Yet Another Round of Laser Tag Using Only Melee Attacks NAPERVILLE, Ill. — Undefeated laser tag champion Patrick Manzke won his fifty-second consecutive melee-only game this morning, leaving some opponents “shocked” and others permanently paralyzed…
August 3, 2019 Adult Man Walks Past LEGO Aisle a Little Bit Slower Adult Man Walks Past LEGO Aisle a Little Bit Slower MANAHAWKIN, N.J. — Local adult Sam McGrath spent two seconds shooting a brief, wistful glance down the LEGO aisle of a Stafford Target store before…
August 1, 2019 Fortnite World Cup Winner Bugha Offered $3 Million Prize in Lump Sum, Annuity, or V-Bucks Fortnite World Cup Winner Bugha Offered $3 Million Prize in Lump Sum, Annuity, or V-Bucks NEW YORK — Following a momentous victory at the Fortnite World Cup finals, 16-year-old eSports prodigy Kyle ‘Bugha’ Giersdorf now faces the delicate financial decision…
June 22, 2019 Useless Toddler Misses ‘Putt-Putt Saves the Zoo’ Speedrun Record by 7 Months, 23 Days Useless Toddler Misses ‘Putt-Putt Saves the Zoo’ Speedrun Record by 7 Months, 23 Days PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Disgraced gamer Jake Marglous, 2, wrapped up his latest non-TAS speedrun of Putt-Putt Saves the Zoo earlier this week, with sources reporting…
April 22, 2019 Frugal Gamer Empties Mechanical Keyboard Over Dinner Plate Frugal Gamer Empties Mechanical Keyboard Over Dinner Plate HACKENSACK, N.J. — Budget-conscious gamer Max Turner began shaking his Corsair K95 mechanical keyboard over a ceramic dinner plate after noticing a tempting vein of…
