Andy Holt

Miniboss Laying It on Little Thick With Pre-Battle Speech

REALM OF DISDAIN — Shortly before losing a recent battle with an adventurer, local mid-level demon Ulgruuf the Unyielding reportedly…

4 years ago

Cisco Delays Next-Gen Office Phone for 20th Consecutive Year

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Citing production issues due to the coronavirus pandemic, Cisco Systems has delayed the long-awaited sequel to…

4 years ago

REPORT: Nobody in Group Chat Touching That One

NEW YORK — Members of a local group chat insisted that they wouldn’t be going anywhere near that comment, preferring…

4 years ago

Scientists Invent Unit of Time Small Enough to Measure Console Preorder Window

BOSTON — Researchers have made an astonishing breakthrough in the study of time and space, discovering a measurement small enough…

4 years ago

Betsy DeVos Calls for Public Schools to Be Defunded After Witnessing Rodney Mullen Do 360 Kickflip Through Gymnasium Roof

SCHOOL II — U.S. Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos demanded funding cuts after witnessing a professional skateboarder do a 360…

4 years ago

DVD Sales of ‘American History X’ Increase 750% Amid Xbox Series X Preorders

SEATTLE — The controversial 1998 crime film American History X experienced a 750% increase in DVD sales this week, as…

4 years ago

Vengeful God Moves On to Next Thing Tumblr Holds Dear

HIGHER REALM — Overcome with wrath and scorn, the ruler of the universe has reportedly taken the next step toward…

4 years ago

Microsoft Announces Xbox All Access Will Now Include PS5

REDMOND, Wash. — Microsoft announced that the new Xbox All Access monthly subscription would include an Xbox Series X console,…

4 years ago

Sony Acquires Exclusive Rights to All Spiders and Men, Just to Be Safe

NEW YORK — Sony Entertainment has acquired exclusive rights to all depictions of arachnids and men in film, television, and…

4 years ago