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Air Bud Slain by Teen Wolf in Conference Championship Game


FERNFIELD, Wash. — Tragedy struck in the regional basketball quarterfinals last night, as the Lincoln Beavers not only beat the Fernfield Timberwolves, but the team’s two stars got into an altercation, leaving Timberwolves forward Buddy, a golden retriever known affectionately as “Air Bud,” brutally murdered by Beaver’s shooting guard Scott “Teen Wolf” Howard. 

“A dark day for run of the mill high school basketball, that’s for sure,” said the eccentric Coach Finstock, who has successfully coached the Beavers to the last two state finals with Howard leading the way. “I tell the guys to go easy out there, and that no one wants to win a game playing dirty. And well, frankly, when you have a shapeshifting manbeast on your team, there’s gonna be some hard fouls. There’s gonna be some mauling.” 

The regional semifinal playoff matchup was highly contested in the first half, with the Beavers taking a slim 28-25 lead into half time. But after making some adjustments, and having their star player murder the Timberwolves’ breakout power forward, the Beavers easily dominated the second half and will advance to the quarterfinals. 

“I can’t believe they would allow the game to continue like that,” said Arthur Chaney, coach of the Timberwolves. “But hell, they bent so many rules for these two teams all year, I guess I’m not really in a position to start demanding special treatment. Did you know we had our star power forward piss all over the court a few times and everyone just looked the other way? I guess taking special treatment has to be a two-way street. We’re trying to teach these kids about good sportsmanship, after all.”

Onlookers were shocked at the violent skirmish in the third quarter, which saw both benches clear but only before the whole place cleared out during the werewolf stuff. 

“I was really into the game, but when that wolf and dog started fighting, fuck that, I was out,” said Ted Rose, a Fernfield student in attendance. “Basketball has become pretty fucked up around here, huh?”

As of press time, the Beavers had to forfeit their potential championship season after an obscure rule was discovered in the local charter that says lycanthropes cannot be on a varsity squad.