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chuck schumer, congress, coronavirus, COVID-19, nancy pelosi

WASHINGTON — Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and Senator Chuck Schumer have introduced a bill that, if passed, would condemn COVID-19 as a “very bad pandemic,” according to those familiar with their teams.

“The coronavirus is very very bad, and that’s why we need to address it head-on and immediately. Which is why we have introduced this bill to officially, as a government, label it as bad,” said Chuck Schumer at a press conference this morning. “We need to do everything we can to defeat the coronavirus — and by ‘we,’ I mean ‘you.’ You need to do everything you can to defeat the coronavirus. And by that I mean voting for Democrats. So that we can defeat the coronavirus… by empowering you to defeat the coronavirus. Which, again, is very bad — if this bill passes.”

The proposed bill received mixed reactions from Democrats online, with many praising Pelosi and Schumer for taking on Trump, and other, non-wealthy constituents feeling that it did not go far enough.

“If the bill passes, I get to print out a certificate confirming that COVID-19 is officially bad. Not really sure how my landlord is going to feel about that taking the place of my rent this month,” said Arizona resident Maria Gomez. “I guess when I called up Chuck Schumer’s office begging that he do ‘literally anything’ to help me not get evicted, I didn’t actually mean ‘literally’ anything. I wanted a pretty specific thing: money.”

Republicans in Congress have been quick to attack the proposed bill by Democrats.

“I will put a gun to my fucking head and pull the fucking trigger, letting my brain splatter all over my poor, helpless family before I let these Demoncrats pass a bill calling COVID-19 bad,” explained Senator Roy Blunt on the floor of the Senate. “This is an obvious attack on President Donald Trump; they want to pin something that happened in his administration as ‘bad.’ There is absolutely no proof that the coronavirus is bad — unless it came from China, in which case, we can all agree it was an act of the purist evil.”

As of press time, Pelosi and Schumer tried to get Republicans to compromise on a bill that at least confirms that COVID-19 is “not good.”

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