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actions per minute, apm, blizzard, brood war, cubicle, epm, excel, microsoft, office, starcraft

SAN DIEGO — Former StarCraft 2 all-star Sergio Luna reportedly has the highest actions per minute (APM) in Microsoft Excel of any of the data analysts at his office job.

“My micro is insane in Excel, dude. I can vlookup and sort a pivot table in 3 seconds, which is huge, because tabular-formatted pivot tables are ridiculously powerful in the current meta,” Luna said. “It’s crazy how big StarCraft was for a minute, huh? I was a celebrity in South Korea; I thought I was gonna be playing StarCraft for the rest of my life! But you know what? I guess in a way I am — I’ve just translated my skills to a new DLC of sorts, Microsoft Office. So I’m not trying to spread zerg creep all over the map, but I’m spreading correct Number formatting all over the spreadsheet.”

According to those familiar with the situation, other employees at Luna’s job were, at first, confused by Luna’s background.

“When he came in saying he was great at macro, I was really excited. I thought he meant he could code macros in Excel, which would make our jobs so much easier. But he was talking about some video game thing,” said Luna’s cubicle-mate Marissa Carter. “I have to admit, though, he does type really fast. I’m not sure if that’s helpful, but it’s undeniably impressive. I just wish he would stop trying to remotely access my computer to ‘scout’ my work. It’s very annoying.”

“Besides, in this office we go by effective actions per minute,” she added. “None of this baby APM shit.”

Despite other co-workers not understanding Luna’s StarCraft abilities and how they translate to the world of data analysis, Clark Salazar, the company’s office manager who hired Luna, stands by his decision.

“I fucking love StarCraft,” said Salazar. “I used to play every single day for years. Terran. Never left bronze league.”

“When I saw c0Rkscr3w — sorry, Sergio — apply for a job at my company, I was shouting louder than Husky,” Salazar continued. “I knew I had to get him. Can you imagine how insane our productivity would be if we just filled it with former StarCraft pros?! Flash on data entry, Life on reports, IdrA on customer support… we’d take over the world. And the best thing? Almost all of them are available for hire.”

At press time, Luna was seen watching Fortnite at his desk, refreshing a google search for “bugha net worth.”

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