Tags

house, minecraft, the sims

EAST BRUNSWICK, N.J. — After eating a quiet, solitary meal of Trader Joe’s frozen artichoke dip earlier this evening, 23-year-old graduate student Sarah Goldman returned to her single-player The Sims world in a futile attempt to escape her own crushing isolation.

“Here’s my couch,” said Goldman, showing off her home in The Sims. “It’s made of red wool, like my real couch. And here’s my desk — looks kind of like the desk I’m playing The Sims on right now, right? Sometimes I just sit here for a little while. I just crouch in front of the desk and pretend like I’m sitting there. Maybe I eat a piece of bread. I can’t have gluten in real life, so that’s always pretty exciting.”

Goldman’s younger brother, Clemens Goldman, expressed some concern about introducing her to the popular sandbox game.

“She doesn’t really talk to people anymore,” said Goldman, staring at the ground. “After she figured out that there were cats in the game she just… stopped answering phone calls. Mom says it’s my fault. She said I ‘basically killed’ Sarah and now I’m not allowed on my computer anymore. Can you tell her to call mom and, like, say it’s not my fault that she’s all weird now?”

When approached for an interview, Goldman’s close friend Emma Florance appeared confused and then began weeping uncontrollably.

“She’s alive?” said Florance, cupping her mouth. “But she died four months ago — I mean, I thought she died four months ago… we all did. Our school held a whole service for — oh my God. Oh Jesus, I — I’m sorry, I have to make a few phone calls. I’m sorry.”

At press time, Goldman was staring at her in-game cat, Mitchell, named after her real-life cat, Mitchell.

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