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AUSTIN, Texas — Sources have confirmed that your friend Sadie Green has beaten the new indie game DustPunch, which she claims is a fantastic, unforgettable gaming experience that will grip you from start to finish as long as you can get past its incredibly unenjoyable gameplay.  

“It’s like, really good. It takes place in the 1930s American South during the Dust Bowl,” said Green, pausing several more times to repeat that the game really is good. ”There’s this one cutscene where the wind is howling as you finally get to embrace your son for the first time in years. When the cutscene ends, your character is immediately blown halfway across the map by a huge gust of wind. I can’t tell if this is a bug because the developers didn’t make him heavy enough, but as long as you ignore that part, it’s a really breathtaking moment that I didn’t know games were even capable of.” 

Even when the gameplay works as intended, Green says that DustPunch’s gameplay centers on mundane activities that you really just have to grit your teeth through to get to the good stuff.

“During one story mission, your wife, Lisa Charleston, is giving birth to your second child. It’s a beautiful occasion that has been built up throughout the game. The baby becomes this perfect embodiment of love that you feel for Lisa’s character.” says Green. “But then as her water breaks in a cutscene, you’re forced to actually play through preparing the house for a baby for like 10 solid hours of uninterrupted minigame-type experiences.” 

Green says that at this point, the player has to complete such tasks as preparing a warm towel that is specifically hot, but not too hot, putting on soothing music at exactly the right time, and continually pressing Z to emotionally support your wife during labor. Once the baby is born, you’re tasked with naming it, which involves a five-minute sequence where you have to manually flip through the pages of a 1935 baby name book in first person. 

Still, Green says, even if this gameplay doesn’t sound exciting to you, the payoff of the full game experience is well worth it.

“The game might seem like it wasn’t designed for anyone to ever play it, but for history fans who love the Dust Bowl, the story is too good to pass up.”