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Hey pal, are you busy? I thought we could just talk. You know, man to man. 

Son, I think you’re old enough to know that I’m not going to be around forever. Someday I’ll run out of rings and head to that great special stage in the sky — metaphorically speaking. When I finally go, I want to make sure that you’re prepared to carry on our family’s name and legacy like generations that came before us.

Son, one day your old man’s Sonic the Hedgehog meme account will be all yours.

This Instagram account has been in this family for your whole life, which, granted, is only six years. But trust me, that’s a lifetime on Instagram. It’s my — and soon your — obligation to show the world content like how each Knuckles Chaotix character would look like if they starred in Seinfeld. 

Now, you’re most likely going to see other Sonic meme pages, but they lack the subtle nuances of ours. We just don’t come right out of the gate shipping Sonic with random characters from the Archie comic universe. In this house, we stan Amy Rose and I expect you to post accordingly. What do you mean, “Who’s Amy?” I’ve been telling you to play Sonic CD for months now!

Nevermind. There will be plenty of time to play the classics, kiddo. You’ll need to know them well, as they’re the cornerstone of your birthright. There are those who’ll tell you that you need to branch out and accept that there’s plenty of content to mine beyond Sonic Adventure 2, but it’ll be a cold day in hell before I recognize Silver the Hedgehog as viable meme material. It’s why your uncle and I haven’t spoken in ten years.

Forget the family infighting for now, and just embrace the fact that one day you’ll be curating Sonic content six times a week with other people’s art for dozens of followers. But hear me now: If you so much as shitpost one image of Sonic impregnating anyone or anything I will 100% haunt you from beyond the grave.

I’m trusting you with the keys to the kingdom, Miles.