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36-Year-Old Gamer Hoping Mom Lets Him Buy Vice City This Time Around


SEATTLE — News of an upcoming remaster of several classic Grand Theft Auto titles has left a local gamer hoping his mother will allow him to purchase Vice City this time around. 

“Last time I was pissed, but looking back I totally get it,” said Davey Barnes, who was 17 years old and a senior in high school when the game was originally released. “But now I’m in my late thirties, I’ve had some successful relationships, and I have been really, really good lately. I have my own money to buy the game this time, even. Still though, if she still doesn’t think I’m mature enough to handle it, I’m totally fucked.” 

Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, was an immensely popular entry into the series of games. The ode to ‘80s properties such as Scarface and Miami Vice was the top selling video game of 2002

“Oh yeah, I remember this Voice City thing,” said Barnes’ mother, Debbie Barnes. “Davey was so excited to get it so I read about it and they said there was cocaine, swearing, hookers, all of that. No way, not my little guy. As far as this new version that’s coming out; I’m sorry, is there an age that these things become appropriate for my little boy? No, I’m afraid the fact that he hasn’t become a mass murder imitating these things he’s seen in the game is proof that my parenting is working. I can’t take this chance now.” 

Rockstar Games admitted that the games’ content may exceed what is appropriate for certain people of certain ages. 

“Look, no one will ever mistake any of our games as titles that are appropriate for the entire family,” said Dennis Stenhouse, an executive at Rockstar Games. “If this woman doesn’t want her son to play the game, well I not only understand that, I support it. I’m sorry? The boy is 38 years old? Oh. Well, damn. Hoping he can get her to change her mind. That’s downright embarrassing.” 

As of press time, Barnes was looking up his old friend Craig on Facebook to ask him if he’d be able to come over and play his copy when it came out.