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343 Refuses to Reveal What Master Chief’s Suit Does With All the Cum


REDMOND, Wash. — Halo Infinite developers 343 Industries have refused to reveal what Master Chief’s armor does with all the semen it collects from jerking off the legendary space marine, despite pressure from fans.

“We can confirm that Master Chief’s suit jacks him off — that much is indeed canon — but we unfortunately are not ready, at this time, to reveal what the suit does with the cum,” explained 343 Industries founder Bonnie Ross. “We have a lot of exciting news to discuss about the upcoming Halo Infinite campaign and the events that we have coming — sorry, that’s not a pun — to Halo Infinite multiplayer, so we would love to be able to move on from the constant questions how the suit maintains the cum, what it does with the cum after receiving it from John 117, and what temperature the suit needs to maintain the cum at. In fact, I already feel like I’ve said too much; I don’t want to give the impression that the suit keeps the cum at all.”

Fans of longtime series have become more and more insistent, however, as developers dodge questions about what the Chief’s suit does with all the cum.

“First this nonsense with the battlepass progression in Halo Infinite and now all this secretive business with the cum! I’m really starting to lose faith in 343,” said Redditor u/sergeantbigjohnson. “Is the suit using the cum in order to clone Master Chief? Is it like in Dune where it filters the cum into drinkable water for Master Chief if he’s in a desert area? Or does the suit simply like cum? Also why can’t I choose to play either Slayer or objective modes in Halo Infinite multiplayer? These are all incredibly important questions that I expect 343 to answer, or else I’m switching over to Battlefield! Well I won’t actually do that, but I will complain a lot online.”

Despite online discourse, there are many fans who support 343’s decision to keep the cum information hidden.

“Maybe this is a generational thing? I simply don’t care to know what Master Chief’s suit does with the cum,” said Twitter user @thehardarbiter. When I was a kid, my friends and I would just sit around and play multiplayer games for like ten hours straight and we just cared that Master Chief’s suit jacked him off. We didn’t care about what it did with the cum at all. But I guess, with how games like Fortnite and Warzone work these days, kids feel like they need something more. Besides, it adds to the mystery of the Chief. I don’t like how people feel like games need to spell everything out for them; I like imagining for myself what the suit is doing with the cum.”

At press time, gamers were upset to discover that purchasing a $20 animated cosmetic that shows your Spartan getting jacked off by their suit in multiplayer can only be attached to an armor core that cannot be unlocked yet.