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245 Seasons In, America Still Unplayable Without Cheat Codes


WASHINGTON — On the day marking its 245th season in existence, experts on the country The United States of America have confirmed that it is unfortunately still unplayable at the highest level without massive amounts of cheating and passing on items from older accounts.

“I was so excited when I was brand new to America,” said Maria Niño, a single mother who was born in Colombia. “But the more time I spend in America, the more I realize It’s not meant for people like me to play and win. I just don’t have the stamina, the ore, or the weapons to come out on top. And this is by design.”

In response to massive criticism, President Joe Biden announced plans to improve the anti-cheat system back in November, and pledged to even write out his own walk-throughs. While some were wooed by the optics of this, many feel he only cared about giving out new perks and rare items to police and large corporations. 

“The cheating problem is getting worse and worse. It’s a great country and I love being part of it, but it’s just unplayable in its current state,” complained Redditor KarlFartz420. “Someone needs to go in and just straight up ban all the billionaires so the rest of us can enjoy a genuinely healthy meta for the first time.”

“America should be a game like Halo 3, where everyone starts each map with the exact same load out,” KarlFartz420 continued. “Instead it’s just pay-to-win bullshit where only the whales get the weapons that do any damage.”

As of press time, game theorists have warned that if devs don’t figure out a solution soon, citizens will likely find a new and more functional game to play.