SEATTLE — Apple’s latest addition to its signature line of products was revealed today, an American twenty dollar bill whose base model will retail for $49.99.
“This new twenty dollar bill, tentatively called the iBill, is going to revolutionize the way Apple users will interact with the goods and services they purchase,” said Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, Inc. “Obviously, there are some other twenty dollar bills already on the market, but this sleek, redesigned bill blows them away. It’s time to step into the future, and this fifty dollar twenty is the logical next step for American cash.”
Scores of fans were lined up overnight to hopefully procure some of the first shipment of Apple cash, reported several bank employees that didn’t realize their branch was among the first to have its ATM filled with the new Apple devices.
“I know it seems silly, but I don’t know, I just trust Apple stuff,” said Isaac Porter, standing in front of a long line of people waiting for a Bank of America branch to open. “I don’t carry a lot of cash, and I’m mostly using Apple Pay right now, so it’ll be nice to have cash that is fully compatible with my iOS and across all of my devices when I do. I’m not that worried about the price tag, fifty dollars isn’t a lot for a twenty dollar bill if it makes me happy, you know?”
The bill is ostensibly the same as other twenty dollar bills currently in circulation with one major difference; it will not be compatible with any machines produced before 2018.
“We know Apple users tend to want to use other Apple products,” said Miranda Ashton, a company spokesperson. “So yes, our new money will not be able to be spent in things like vending machines and the like, but our users are used to having to sacrifice basic compatibility with the world around them in exchange for completely overpriced merchandise. Oh, and it comes with a sticker!”
As of press time, Android has announced that 412 new versions of the one dollar bill will be made available for all Android users.
Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master: