March 25, 2020 Donald Trump Unleashes Giant Squids on Major U.S. Cities to Unite Americans Against Coronavirus Donald Trump Unleashes Giant Squids on Major U.S. Cities to Unite Americans Against Coronavirus WASHINGTON — President Trump has announced plans to unleash a giant squid on each of the major cities in the United States in an effort…
March 23, 2020 Dad Playing ‘Secret Hitler’ Cannot Comprehend That the Liberals Are the Good Guys Dad Playing ‘Secret Hitler’ Cannot Comprehend That the Liberals Are the Good Guys MINEOLA, N.Y. — Tom Castellano was reportedly unable to comprehend that the liberal team were being presented as the good guys in Secret Hitler, after…
March 20, 2020 Something Fishy About Private ‘Animal Crossing’ Island That Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, and Prince Andrew Keep Visiting Something Fishy About Private ‘Animal Crossing’ Island That Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, and Prince Andrew Keep Visiting NEW HORIZONS — Those playing the newly released Animal Crossing: New Horizons for the Nintendo Switch noted that there was something odd going on with…
March 18, 2020 Bernie Sanders’ Policies Would Take Away Americans’ Choice to Lower This Bridge for 200 Gems Bernie Sanders’ Policies Would Take Away Americans’ Choice to Lower This Bridge for 200 Gems In our political climate, there is no lack of problems to be solved. Climate change, student loan debt, trade disputes. Bernie Sanders offers big ideas…
March 15, 2020 Bernie Sanders Calls on Nintendo to Release Animal Crossing Early Bernie Sanders Calls on Nintendo to Release Animal Crossing Early BURLINGTON, Vt. — In the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic, Senator Bernie Sanders has called on Nintendo to preemptively release the much-anticipated Animal Crossing: New…
March 14, 2020 Donald Trump Insists He Found Mew Under Truck in Pokémon Red Donald Trump Insists He Found Mew Under Truck in Pokémon Red WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump is being attacked by prominent Democrats today after he claimed he found Mew under a truck in his original playthrough…
March 11, 2020 Gamer’s Health Care Plan Mainly Jumping Head First Into Red Heart Logo Outside CVS Gamer’s Health Care Plan Mainly Jumping Head First Into Red Heart Logo Outside CVS DULUTH, Minn. — Claiming it’s been the cheapest and most accessible health power-up since getting kicked off of his parents’ insurance, recently concussed gamer Amrit…
March 10, 2020 Next Democratic Debate to Feature Hot Questions and Even Hotter Wings Next Democratic Debate to Feature Hot Questions and Even Hotter Wings PHOENIX — The Democratic National Committee released new qualification criteria for the upcoming debate on March 15th, requiring that participants be able to consume a…
March 7, 2020 Campaign Staff Begging Joe Biden to Stop Mashing Through Dialogue Options Campaign Staff Begging Joe Biden to Stop Mashing Through Dialogue Options PHILADELPHIA — Staffers within the Joe Biden presidential campaign are reportedly begging the former Vice President to stop mashing the A-button through all of his…
