October 15, 2018 Weeb Orders Sixth 23andMe in Desperate Search for Marginal Japanese Heritage Weeb Orders Sixth 23andMe in Desperate Search for Marginal Japanese Heritage LOS ANGELES — Local Caucasian anime fan Martin O’Rourke ordered his sixth 23andMe in an attempt to prove that he is 100% technically a little…
October 14, 2018 Too Soon: Brett Kavanaugh is Getting a Funko Pop Too Soon: Brett Kavanaugh is Getting a Funko Pop EVERETT, Wash. — Toy manufacturer Funko Pop announced today that they will be releasing a Brett Kavanaugh collectible figure this winter, drawing criticism from those…
September 30, 2018 NBA Jam’s Bill Clinton to Campaign for Beto O’Rourke NBA Jam’s Bill Clinton to Campaign for Beto O’Rourke DALLAS — As the Senate race in Texas reaches a fever pitch, sources are reporting that Democratic candidate Beto O’Rourke has unveiled a crucial addition…
September 17, 2018 Review: ‘Spider-Man’ is a Delightful Romp That Almost Allows Players to Forget Spider-Man Did Nothing to Stop 9/11 Review: ‘Spider-Man’ is a Delightful Romp That Almost Allows Players to Forget Spider-Man Did Nothing to Stop 9/11 Video transcript: “With great power comes great responsibility.” An ultimately hollow message that rings through Spider-Man on the PlayStation 4, a fantastic game that falls…
September 5, 2018 Democrats Enlist HQ Host Scott Rogowsky to Filibuster Supreme Court Nominee Democrats Enlist HQ Host Scott Rogowsky to Filibuster Supreme Court Nominee WASHINGTON — Democratic leaders have brought in Scott Rogowsky, host of HQ Trivia, to aid in the filibuster of Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, utilizing…
September 4, 2018 New Tom Clancy Novel About a Friggin Gun That Became President New Tom Clancy Novel About a Friggin Gun That Became President BALTIMORE — Sources report that the newest novel in the Jack Ryan series originally created by Tom Clancy before his death is about a gun…
August 22, 2018 Scarlett Johansson Cast as First Black James Bond Scarlett Johansson Cast as First Black James Bond LOS ANGELES — MGM Studios announced today that Scarlett Johansson has been cast to play the first black James Bond, taking a groundbreaking new direction…
August 20, 2018 New Video Game ‘Douche Debater’ Lets You Play as Jordan Peterson New Video Game ‘Douche Debater’ Lets You Play as Jordan Peterson OSAKA, Japan — Capcom revealed a spiritual successor to its popular Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney franchise entitled Jordan Peterson: Douche Debater that will allow gamers…
August 18, 2018 New Study Into Hogwarts House-Sorting Practices Reveals Stark Racial Bias New Study Into Hogwarts House-Sorting Practices Reveals Stark Racial Bias SCOTLAND — A new study into the decision-making involved in sorting Hogwarts students into housing, which is done by a committee of one sentient hat,…
