January 11, 2020 Nation Not Sure Normal-Type Candidate Even Worth Catching Nation Not Sure Normal-Type Candidate Even Worth Catching CEDAR RAPIDS, Mich. — After months of deliberation during a contentious Democratic primary, voters are beginning to wonder whether a Normal-type Presidential candidate is even…
January 8, 2020 Charles Koch Doesn’t Understand Why Character in First Place Can’t Also Get Blue Shell Charles Koch Doesn’t Understand Why Character in First Place Can’t Also Get Blue Shell CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Billionaire owner of Koch Industries Charles Koch recently gave a two-hour symposium at his alma mater MIT that questioned the mechanics of…
January 7, 2020 Scientists Discover Earth is Heating Up Due to Some Guy Hitting Consecutive Shots in ‘NBA Jam’ Scientists Discover Earth is Heating Up Due to Some Guy Hitting Consecutive Shots in ‘NBA Jam’ WASHINGTON — Climate scientists unveiled their findings today that the Earth’s temperature is rising because some dude named Jeremy has made consecutive shots while playing…
December 19, 2019 Impeachment Begins With 3 Days of Pelosi and Trump Charging Their Energy Impeachment Begins With 3 Days of Pelosi and Trump Charging Their Energy WASHINGTON — Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and President Donald Trump began the impeachment process this week by standing in place, slowly charging up…
December 1, 2019 Joe Biden Receives Key ‘Spacer’s Choice’ Endorsement Joe Biden Receives Key ‘Spacer’s Choice’ Endorsement EDGEWATER — Democratic nominee hopeful Joe Biden has been endorsed by Spacer’s Choice, the candidate announced over the weekend. “I am honored to have the…
November 22, 2019 Report: Only 9% of Voters Think Joe Biden Could Defeat John Cena and The Undertaker in a Triple Threat Match Report: Only 9% of Voters Think Joe Biden Could Defeat John Cena and The Undertaker in a Triple Threat Match WASHINGTON — In a sharp rebuke towards his flagging candidacy, only 9% of Democratic voters believe Joe Biden could defeat John Cena and The Undertaker…
November 18, 2019 Nostalgic Fans Petition for Modern Reboot of ‘90s Economy Nostalgic Fans Petition for Modern Reboot of ‘90s Economy NEW YORK — A Change.org petition by nostalgic fans demanding a modern-day reboot of the classic 1990’s American economy has received over one million signatures…
October 22, 2019 Best Buy Website Accidentally Lists Unannounced U.S. President Coming in 2020 Best Buy Website Accidentally Lists Unannounced U.S. President Coming in 2020 RICHFIELD, Minn. — Several eagle-eyed gamers recently discovered a Best Buy website listing for a previously unannounced entry in the President of the United States…
October 17, 2019 Climate Scientists Warn It’s Dawn of the Final Day Climate Scientists Warn It’s Dawn of the Final Day WASHINGTON — Climate scientists at the United States Environmental Protection Agency released a warning today that our ozone has become so drastically diminished that we…
