March 5, 2020 Moderates Attempt to Cancel America’s Evolution Moderates Attempt to Cancel America’s Evolution UNITED STATES — After years and countless experience points towards progression, America has finally reached a high enough level to evolve to its next form.…
March 2, 2020 Delayed U.S. Coronavirus Preorders Finally Shipping Delayed U.S. Coronavirus Preorders Finally Shipping NEW YORK — Pathogen enthusiasts across the United States received good news yesterday, as global health officials announced that delayed Coronavirus preorders were finally arriving.…
February 25, 2020 ‘How it Should Have Ended’ Sparks Controversy With Video ‘How the Iraq War Should Have Ended’ ‘How it Should Have Ended’ Sparks Controversy With Video ‘How the Iraq War Should Have Ended’ LOS ANGELES — Fans of hit YouTube animated series How It Should Have Ended have erupted in anger after the controversial release of their newest…
February 24, 2020 DNC Backfire: Millions Plan to Write-In ‘Sonic the Hedgehog’ for President After ‘Vote Blue No Matter Who’ Campaign DNC Backfire: Millions Plan to Write-In ‘Sonic the Hedgehog’ for President After ‘Vote Blue No Matter Who’ Campaign WASHINGTON — Democratic National Committee officials are reportedly scrambling to fix their Vote Blue Matter Who campaign now that it has inspired millions around the…
February 23, 2020 J.K. Rowling Reveals Harry Potter Would Vote for Michael Bloomberg in Obvious Advertising Campaign J.K. Rowling Reveals Harry Potter Would Vote for Michael Bloomberg in Obvious Advertising Campaign LONDON — In what fans are calling the most pathetic example of Michael Bloomberg’s viral campaign advertising, Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling has announced on…
February 20, 2020 I Cannot Endorse Bernie Sanders’ Proposed Wealth Tax Because He is Clearly Count Olaf in Disguise I Cannot Endorse Bernie Sanders’ Proposed Wealth Tax Because He is Clearly Count Olaf in Disguise One might think Bernie Sanders is an ideal presidential candidate, but this could not be further from the truth as he is actually the notorious…
February 19, 2020 Bloomberg Uses Money Cheat Code to Access Debate Stage Bloomberg Uses Money Cheat Code to Access Debate Stage LAS VEGAS — Alleged Democratic Presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg has reportedly exploited a cheat code which converts his collected funds into access to tonight’s Democratic…
February 12, 2020 CNN Political Analysts Explain First Is the Worst, Second Is the Best, Third Is the One With the Hairy Chest CNN Political Analysts Explain First Is the Worst, Second Is the Best, Third Is the One With the Hairy Chest NEW YORK — Political analysts sitting around the CNN roundtable explained to viewers today after the decisive New Hampshire primary that first is the worst,…
February 4, 2020 DNC Unplugs Bernie’s Controller DNC Unplugs Bernie’s Controller DES MOINES, Iowa — In a tight caucus match late last night, the DNC pulled out Senator Bernie Sanders’ controller cord from the console of…
